Reminding Myself to Breathe

It's That Time Again.....

2011-10-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wondering how it's possible to be so happy and have so much joy in life, but still have those horrible moments of missing Mom. It starts for me every single year around my birthday (coming this weekend) and then follows me through the holidays, other birthdays (including Moms) and right to February for the anniversary of her passing. As each year passes, I think to myself that this is the year that it will be better. Then, BAM!!! There it is again, tormenting me just the same as the previous year!

I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, but this time of year I still can't shake the sadness that overtakes me. Wondering when this will end. Will this go on for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, forever?!? It has been almost 6 years now! It still feels like it was yesterday. :(

Time to remind myself to breathe...........

Not just reminding myself to breathe anymore..

2011-08-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the viewing for Eileen's Mom. Everything was beautifully done in purple and dragonflies. However, no matter how beautiful it all was, it does not change the fact that she is gone. Beautiful tributes are a wonderful thing, but it's all overshadowed by the pain of everyone in the room.

My heart breaks for Eileen and what she is going through. I know it all too well. I don't wish this pain on anyone! Standing on the other side of it this time, I realize that it's no better. I hurt tremendously for her. I want to take her pain away and make everything better. It's such a helpless feeling. I do not like seeing loved ones in pain like this. I never want anyone to have to feel the pain of losing their Mom and especially at such a young age. It's all so unfair. :(

I guess the best I can do is remind her to breathe. I still have to remind myself of that so many days. Now, I will remind her to breathe along with me. We now share a bond that I wish we did not. I wish she did not have to go through this!!

Breathe...................

Tears

2011-08-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have written. I seem to go in spurts with things like this. I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.

Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart. I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family. Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago. The loss of her mother. Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS???? If not, there it is. It sucks!!!!

Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days...... They all jumble together when you reach this point. I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me. It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.

Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone. It is so hard though. I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this. The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now. I cry for my daughter-in-law. I cry for her lovely Mom. I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom. I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers. I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily. I cry for a world that just is not fair. Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.

I am angry! Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same. I want to scream! It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option. So, I sit here crying instead. Tears of sadness. Tears of total frustration. Tears of anger. Tears of loss. Tears that seem to never end. :(

Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek. So many tears............

Working on ME!

2011-05-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am working on ME for a change. Doesn't happen often, but right now it's necessary. I am trying to get healthy. I haven't cared much about that over the years. Honestly, haven't cared at all about that since losing Mom 5 years ago. I am realizing though that it's necessary if I want to be around to see my grandkids grow up. Although, Mom was pretty healthy and still never got to see her grandkids grow up. :( Hoping it will be different for me.

I began a diet plan a few weeks ago. In the first two weeks, I lost almost 9.6 pounds. Hoping I can keep this up as I have a long way to go and I know it! I have now begun implementing some regular exercise in as well. I personally hate regimented exercise, but I know it's part of getting healthy.

I am also attempting to stress a bit less. I will admit though that I'm not very good at that. I have always been one to stress and worry over everything. Very hard, at my age, to change the way I have always been. But, I am working hard to relax a bit more. I am also one of those people that is very organized with most things and any time I run into a situation that is not well organized and planned, it drives me crazy. I need to realize that the reality of life is just that it's not always the way I expect it to be.

There is so much coming up here. We are a month away from Ashley's graduation from high school. So hard to believe that she is going to be a college student soon! I have her party to plan and then a week after that one I am having a party of my own here. What was I thinking?? Ha ha. I wasn't, I'm sure.

So, hoping this new plan to work on ME will turn out good and will last. I know it's about time that I do more for myself as it has never been about me and always about my family & kids. I guess taking a little bit of time for myself isn't something I should feel bad about.

Perspective

2011-04-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes something major to put things into perspective for people. I just had my eyes opened or re-opened. I have been stressing most of the day today filling out financial forms and things like that for Ashley's college. I gave myself a migraine over the stress & worry of it all. But now I sit here thinking "how silly is that?". There is so much worse in the world. How can I allow something so minor to become such a major source of stress for me?? I am dieting and miserable..... but again, how can I allow this to make me miserable?

A friend from my childhood is battling for her life. She is battling to be able to watch her two beautiful daughters grow up. She has been writing some very insightful things and I can't help but feel awful that I have allowed silly little things stress me out. I take so much for granted and was reminded by her writings that I should not do that. It's unacceptable! I need to do better. I need to be better.

I mourn the loss of my Mom every single day. Even that seems so minor on days like this. My Mom got to see me grow up, get married, have children of my own. Some people don't even get that much in life. What if I had lost my Mom when I was just a little girl?!? I am so grateful that I had my Mom for 36 years! It is better than only a few or none at all! Now, I am not saying that I won't ever mourn my Mom again after this. Of course I will. I will still have those horrible moments of missing her terribly and being angry that she is not here to watch my girls becoming adults, marrying, having babies, etc.... But, at the end of the day, I must be grateful for the time and relationship that we did have. Mom was my best friend. We shared everything. I have no regrets when it comes to our relationship and I am so thankful for that! I couldn't have changed one thing or done it differently. She knows how much I loved and love her still. She knows that she was my best friend and that all we shared meant the world to me! At the end of the day, that is what I can be happy for.

My advice for the day.... don't take what you have for granted. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Take time to enjoy the little things in life. Don't brush someone or something off with the the thought that you will get to it another day. Another day may not come. Smile more and frown less! Enjoy the life you have been given as you never know when that life can be changed or taken away!

It's all a matter of perspective......

Trying...... Doing.....

2011-04-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Trying..... That is what I do every day. Try to not be stressed. Try to relax. Try to not let things & people get to me. Seems all I do is try, try, try. I would love to do, do , do! Ugh!! I know it's my problem and only I can make myself do these things, but darn, sometimes people just do not help matters!

The Good:
Our first granddaughter was born on Thursday night. Neelie entered the world at 6:51 pm on 4/14/11. She is perfect in every way. Such a stunning baby. Of course, I am quite biased and thought every single one of my grandbabies were perfect & stunning! She was 8lbs. 13 ozs. and 21 inches long. Precious little angel!!

Honestly, is there anything more precious than a baby?!?

I could look at that precious face forever and when I do, I feel such peace. Babies have a way of making the rest of the world a bit better. Now, if I could just carry the image of her precious face with me every moment of every day, I would not have a care in the world. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

I can be going along daily with nothing in particular bothering me and then out of the blue I find myself annoyed over the stupidest things. Yes, I know they are stupid, but allow myself to get caught up in them anyway. Why do I do that to myself??? Sometimes I wish there were a delete button in life. Yes, unfortunately there are people and things I would kill to press delete on. I wonder if that makes me a bad person?!? I have always prided myself on being a lot like my Mom, caring and compassionate. Some days though, I can't help but wonder am I truly those things?!? Perhaps stuff from my life has just made it impossible to always be those things?!? I don't know, but I do wish it was easier to feel caring and compassionate every minute of the day. I am trying!! I know, I know, I need to DO!!

I would love to ask my Mom how she managed to deal with things in life without it ever seeming as if she were overly stressed. I know she had to have had stress in her life, but she was so strong and never seemed to let it affect her. I wish I could be more like my Mom! I try hard to be, but I can't help but think I am failing miserably somedays.

Please don't get me wrong when reading this blog. I am not a 24/7 miserable person, although many of my entries would lead you to believe that. I guess I tend to write the most when I am feeling down, upset, made, frustrated. Writing has always been an outlet for me. I should try to write more when I am in a great mood so you would all know that I truly am not a miserable person. I am actually pretty funny, kind, silly, etc.. Just not when I write here it seems as I am usually writing out of frustration. I will try to do better. Story of my life... trying to do better!

Mind On Overload

2011-04-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

Spring is upon us. Flowers are being planted. Birds are visiting the feeder out front. Oh how I love to watch the birds on the feeder. Reminds me, I do need more bird seed.....

Hoping that Spring will bring me a renewed sense of being or something. The last few weeks have had me spinning... or my head spinning, I suppose. I have not been sleeping well, which is nothing new for this lifelong insomniac! We have a cold that keeps circling our house and at one point or another over the last couple of months we have all been sick over and over again. Ugh!! I think it's clearing again and sure hope it goes away for good this time!

There has been so much on my mind lately. Worry sucks and I seem to worry about everything. Some would say that worry is no good, even a sin, but it is what it is. I'm not one to "put it in God's hands" as many would tell me to do. I don't think he is going to lend us money for my daughter's college tuition or for my other daughter's tech. tuition?!? Would be happy if he could fix this car that has been in my garage for 2 months now so Ashley would finally have a car again!! Of course, those are just the tip of the iceberg to what is on my mind. Some things I can not put here, but let's just say that my mind is in overdrive and sometimes I feel as if my head is about to burst! I need a break. A break from what, I don't know.... Just a break.

Then again, I should consider myself lucky as things could be so much worse. We all at least have our health and for that, I am very thankful!

I have a feeling this blog post will be all over the place. Then again, that is quite normal as well for me, isn't it?!?

It amazes me how many bodies can fit in this one chair I'm in right now. I am not alone in it, but sharing it with 3 of my 4 dogs. LOL Wonder if they could get much closer to me? Who am I to complain. At least they give me unconditional love. Not many other beings in this world will give you that. Unconditional love is something to be very happy about. So, they can take up the whole chair anytime they want!

I have so much on my mind that I'm not even sure how to put most of it into words here. I have a headache too, which I guess is a result of all that is on my mind. How much can one mind actually hold? I suppose it can hold a lot as mine always has a lot in it. Beginning to wonder if being a homemaker is best for me?!? Leaves me with a lot of time to myself and a lot of time to have things racing through my head. Might not be a great thing! Hmmmmm, guess that is something else to think about. As if I have room for one more thing in my head?!?

I have found myself needing my Mom so much more lately. I guess when things are going on in my life, I really need to talk to Mom. I need her to help me sort through things and tell me that things will work out in the end. I need to be able to vent to her over the things that are bothering me. She was always great at listening to me. God I miss my best friend so much!!!

I would love to laugh! I have not laughed hard in a long time. Even when I am feeling pretty happy something always happens to bring me right back down. I need a day where nothing goes wrong, no stress presents itself and I can truly laugh until I cry. I really hate that I have accepted that this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I can't help but wonder if this is everyone's normal and that I just don't see others feeling like this?!? I know everyone has stresses in their lives, but I truly feel that every day is so full of stress for me. That can't be normal, can it?!? My mind is on overload, obviously. Sigh...... I need a vacation!!

Scream!!!!

2011-04-05T19:17:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life has a way of knocking you on your ass when you just don't expect it to do that! I'm having one of those moments. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't stay happy and stress free. Then again, I don't think I am EVER stress free, but at times the load is just soooo heavy that I feel I can't carry it. It's times like this where I need my Mom so badly. I hate that she is not here!! I need to talk to her, ask her for some advice and just be able to vent to her. My heart is truly broken that she is not here.

Not much else to say right now. I just want to scream, so figured I would type a good scream instead since people are sleeping in the house and I can't really scream! SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

That is all....

Think before you speak!

2011-02-16T06:20:00.000-08:00

I am wondering if some people just do not think before they speak (or type when it comes to the internet). A couple of days ago something was said to me that pretty much made me say "What the hell?!?". The more I think about it, the more I do think it was probably meant to be funny or a joke, but it just was not that way to me. Either I need to grow some very thick skin and not let things bother me, or people seriously need to think before they speak or type! I am always so careful when it comes to things like that. I never like to offend or hurt people, but it seems so many just do not care if they do it to others. It is very sad, actually. :(

On a much better note, the sun is shining again. Yay!! It is supposed to be in the high 40's today and then the next couple of days in the 60's. It's definitely a spring tease and then I'm sure we will be back to reality of winter again. I am definitely ready for spring though and so ready for February to be over.

3 more days until the 5th anniversary of Mom's passing. A very sad time. I try so hard to not let it affect me, but the reality of it is, I am affected every single day of my life by Mom's death.

It sucks! :( I cope, but it still hurts like hell!

We are still on the hunt for a new car for Ashley. There is just nothing reasonably priced out there that is in decent condition. Unbelievable what some people want for cars that have super high mileage on them already. I guess everyone is just out to get as much money as possible in this economy. Can't see how most are actually selling their cars though at this rate. I know I wouldn't pay too much for a vehicle that already has like 200,000 miles on it. Crazy! Ha Ha

I am still looking for the patience that I seem to lack these days. Not sure though if it's really me or if others just try my patience too much making me feel as if I have very little these days. Ok, probably a combination of both. I am always a person that puts up with so much though before I reach a breaking point. For some situations, I feel I am at that breaking point though. But, I will continue to try to find my patience instead of allowing myself to be broken. Some people tell me I am just too nice for my own good. Although, I have always felt being good was an excellent trait. These days I am seeing that being too good may not be as it tends to make people walk all over you just because they know they can! Ugh!!! Just not sure I am the kind that can have the F You attitude. Ha Ha Ha!!!! Sometimes wish I was though.

I am noticing that my entries here tend to jump all over the place. Is that a bad thing? Does it mean that I can't concentrate on one thing at a time. Probably, but guess that is me these days. I really wish I could come to my blog with one solid topic in mind and just write about that. It just rarely works out that way, even though I tend to start the blog with one thing in mind. Today it was thinking before you speak or type. Then again, I guess there is only so much you can say about that subject. Some people will never think before they speak or type. Some people just do not have it in them to worry about how their words could affect others. I am actually thankful that I am the kind of person that does try my hardest to take others into consideration before I say or type something. I credit that trait to my Mom. She was a peacemaker and such a sweet, nice woman. I don't think my Mom could have ever hurt a fly (ok, maybe a fly, but let's admit that they are kind of disgusting). Ha Ha!!! I am very proud to be a lot like my Mom. Hopefully I got the best traits from both of my parents to make me who I am today. Although Dad would say that the things I did get from him aren't exactly great things to have. hahaha

Anyway, to sum this all up. People, think before you speak or type please. You never know what your words could do to someone (good & bad). Hurtful things can really make a person sad and ruin what was a good day. Kind words are always so much better as those can actually brighten a person's day. Afterall, would you rather be the kind to brighten or dampen a person's day? Your answer to that question definitely helps define your true character!!!

Un-clenching my fists and other ramblings......

2011-02-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Relaxation.... something that comes pretty easily for most people. As for me, I don't know how to relax, no matter how hard I may try.

When I was going through my group with TOH back in the fall, someone mentioned that when you go to bed at night, make sure you stretch your hands & fingers out and don't have them clenched up into fists. At that time, I thought, who really goes to bed with their hands in fists?!? Well, I do.... I have taken notice to this a lot lately and I do consciously have to remind myself to unclench the fists and stretch out my hands & fingers. I would love to say it helps me relax, but not sure it does. Just find it so strange that now I do remind myself of this every single night and catch myself having to unclench!

Why is it that I can never turn my brain off?!? No matter how hard I try, there is always something going on. I'm always stressing about something. Wish I could just be carefree and not care about things, but that just isn't in my nature. Stress sucks though and I sure could use a lot less of that in my life!!

I said this post would be "other ramblings", so pardon me if I tend to jump all around in it. Sometimes my thought process will jump from one thing to another so quickly that I even surprise myself. I always have so much on my mind that the thoughts come and go sometimes as fast as the speed of light!

In 10 days, on February 19th, it will be the 5th anniversary of my Mom's passing. 5 years! Just to say it is unbelievable. Where have the years gone? How can it be 5 years already when it feels as if I just lost her last week?!? Why am I still finding myself so angry at times?? After 5 years, shouldn't I be better? Stronger? Less prone to the anger and tears?

I still find myself to jealous of those that still have their Moms in their lives. To hear how others make plans with their Moms to go shopping, to lunch, etc..... I am so jealous! Then, there are those with Moms still on this earth but the relationship is strained and they complain constantly about their Mom?!? I do realize that everyone's relationship with their mother is not what I had with mine, but I still find myself so angry at times to hear people talk badly about their own mother. I want to grab them and shake them and remind them that some day they will not have their Mom anymore and that day they may find themselves full of regret for the relationship that is no longer a possibility. Embrace the relationship and your Mom while she is here on earth. If not, I do believe that most will live with so much regret later.

Regret is one thing I can at least say I do not have. Mom and I were best friends. We did everything together. I took care of her until the very end. I have no regret when it comes to our relationship and my Mom. I have lots of longing.... Longing for more time, longing to hear her voice again, longing to see her beautiful face.... Yes, lots of longing, but no regret.

I wish Mom were here for my girls. They need her almost as badly as I do. Mom was their cheerleader, their biggest fan, their biggest supporter in everything. Since Mom's passing, the girls do not have any other strong female figures in their lives. I am all they have in that department. I wish there were others that would support them like she used to, but they have nobody else like her.

On to other ramblings.....

I am soooooo angry!! I am so tired of certain people treating the girls as if they are not important. Especially hurting for Ashley this year. It is her senior year. It is supposed to be such a special time for her and some have taken so much from her happiness this year. First, she got into the accident in December and has been without a car since. We just can't afford to buy her a new car right now and she is trying so hard to save up for one. She is working 2 jobs and going to high school!! Crazy! But as quickly as she starts to save she has to spend the money. She has had to cover 1/2 of her own senior trip and get paid back by her father at his leisure. Last year, Britney did not have to do that. He paid on time for her, but this year Ashley is getting the shaft as she always has from him & that entire side of the family!

Ashley turned 18 on December 29th. Today is February 9th and as of today she has still not gotten any celebration or gift from her father! But he proceeds to tell her how he was taking someone else out (girlfriend's daughter) this past weekend for her birthday that is this week. Does he honestly think this does not hurt his daughter??? Ashley may not say it or show it to him, but I live with her and I get to see the hurt!! Some people truly do not deserve to be parents!! :(

Thank goodness for Pat stepping up all of these years and being a real Daddy to the girls. He supports these girls as if they are his own. He has never missed anything they have done. He has made sure they each got a first car, that we pay our share & more of their school stuff as well as everything else.

Oh well, I guess that is enough complaining about all of that for now. It just gets my blood boiling, which is never a good thing.

On a good note, it hasn't snowed in at least a week and none in the 7 day forecast too. Praying that means that spring is truly on it's way. I need some sunshine and warmth. The winter blues does not help my mood at all! I have also had the worst cold in years this past week or two. I think it is finally loosening it's grip on me, but it sure has made life miserable for awhile now. Today, however, I have been blessed with a nice headache to remind me that stress is no good for me. I really need to find a way to de-stress. It just seems that things come at me so fast. If it's not one thing, it's another. I lack patience these days. Patience is another thing I need to find again.

Sigh..... maybe another day.

Winter sucks!

2011-01-31T14:16:00.001-08:00

I am so sick of winter. Bad enough that winter tends to bring on the "winter blues", but the past two winters have been horrible when it comes to the weather. Another storm coming in tomorrow. Seems that we are getting a storm every week and winter is not even close to being over! Ugh!!

Tomorrow is the first day of February. Countdown is on to the 5th anniversary of Mom's death. It sucks! So much died with Mom... hopes, dreams, plans, etc.... Yes, I have picked up and moved forward but I can't help but be sad at times. Oh well, "this too, shall pass". I just keep telling myself that.

Will write more later. Distractions at the moment. Sigh.... Seems there is always some kind of distraction these days.

Laughter is the best medicine!

2011-01-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

Last night we had our January "drop-in" for Tapestries of Hope. Tapestries of Hope is a group I now belong to. It is all women who have lost their Moms. When I first got involved back in September, I wasn't sure how I would like it. I had tried Gilda's club about a year and a half after losing Mom and it honestly did nothing for me. I find Tapestries to be quite refreshing as every single woman there knows exactly what it feels like to lose their Mother! It was a wonderful gathering full of food, stories & laughter. Laughter is definitely the best medicine! I do find that I still do not share much, but even listening to others stories helps. Not sure why I don't share that often. Guess I have just always been a pretty closed up, private person. Right or wrong, it is all I know.

The discussion last night turned to what the hardest times seem to be for most of the women. From birthday to holidays to the anniversary of their Mom's deaths. While I do have moments in each of those things, I find my toughest times to be the milestones that involve my girls. Sometimes even just the normal things with my girls, like when Britney has a performance. When she is up on stage, along with my pride for her, I always miss Mom so terribly. Mom loved Britney's singing and it makes me sad that she did not get to see it past Britney young teens. She hasn't been here to see the development of her voice into a woman's voice and how beautiful her singing became over the years. :(

Then there are the milestones.... Ashley's 18th birthday in December was one of those. I remember the awful sadness that came over me that day and I wasn't even sure why I was feeling it. It was supposed to be a happy day. We had a big party for her and I remember at points during it I found myself just sitting there staring off into space. Mom missed Ashley becoming a woman and it makes me angry. Britney's graduation last year was tough and I have a feeling that Ashley's graduation this June is going to be even worse since she is the baby of the family! I want Mom there so badly! Mom was the girls' biggest fan, biggest supporter, biggest everything. I miss that for them. Mom would be the proudest person sitting in the stands when Ashley gets her diploma. It really sucks that she is not here!!!

The 5th anniversary of Mom's passing is coming up on February 19th. I keep thinking that after 5 years, it should be easier. This should all be easier, but sometimes it just isn't. While I do function normally day to day, there is always that empty spot. Do I spend my days crying? Of course not, although I do have plenty of times where the tears come easily. I just feel as if I walk around every single day still feeling so heavy in the chest. That weight is still there, crushing me and making it hard to breathe! But, I am determined to keep breathing!!

Thank you to my "Angel Sisters" for the wonderful evening last night. Laughter truly is the best medicine and I do appreciate each and every one of you for bringing some of that to my life! :)

Reminding Myself to Breathe!

2011-01-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

Is it bad when sometimes I find myself actually reminding myself to breathe?!?

Some days it just seems that I can't catch my breath. It's as if a big weight has been placed on my chest and I just can't get it off. It's a combination of stress & grief, I suppose.

I miss my Mom! I would like to say that after almost 5 years (on Feb. 19th), that it has gotten easier. However, I am finding that is not really true. Perhaps in some ways I have just learned to deal with the grief and carry on my everyday life. But, those times when I sit alone and my mind has a chance to wander, it's all right there exactly where I left it!

I told myself when I started this blog site that I would not turn this into a blog about my grief, but my grief is part of who I am. This is a blog about me, my life, my family, therefore, I am not going to fight it anymore and strive to make this blog mostly positive. It is what it is and I usually feel better when I put things in writing. At the moment, this is the best venue for me to get things out. I started an online journal after Mom died in 2006. I wrote in it off and on as I do here, but it was mostly negative and about what I was going through. I look back at it sometimes and do realize that in many ways I have improved.

I did some stupid, crazy things after Mom died. I was self-destructing slowly and I allowed it to happen until I finally hit rock bottom. Nobody could help me and I didn't really want the help. Thank God I have a husband that truly loves me with everything in him, because most men would never have stuck by me after some of the stupid stuff I did. So grateful for Pat and his unconditional, undying love! He is my rock!

Almost 5 years later, I am at least glad that I have learned better ways to deal with my grief. Oh, it's still there and it's still strong, but I am a changed person. I am realizing that after the loss of my Mom, I will never be the same person I used to be when she was here. I am forever changed by the death of the most important woman in my life: My mom, my best friend, my hero!

A few years after Mom passed, Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Today, he is doing pretty well. But my fear of losing him is so high, that at times it is probably over the top. Something in me just feels as if I will also lose him way before I should and to the same horrible disease that took my Mom when I was only 36 years old! My fear with Dad is that if it comes back, he won't even tell us and just let it take him. He has practically said that if it ever came back he would not bother with treatment again. I pray that is not how he really feels, but I know my Dad and chances are he is being completely honest about that. So I pray every day that his cancer stays in remission. I need him to be here as the girls go into their adult life. I need him to see them walk down the aisle on their wedding days.

Today, I spent some time with my Grandmom (Mom's mom). She will be 91 on February 2nd. I am amazed by her. She is such an awesome woman. She had 9 children (5 boys & 4 girls). She has already buried 4 of those children (3 girls & 1 boy). My Mom was the most recent of her children to die. I remember asking her sometime after Mom passed, how she got through it all. I mean, burying your children is just not the way it is supposed to be. Her response was faith & prayer. I sometimes wish I had her faith, but that is just something I will never have enough of.

It's this time of night when I am at my worst. Everyone else in the house has gone to bed. I, of course, have had insomnia practically my whole life and it has gotten so much worse since Mom's death. My mind never stops. Is there a shut off button somewhere that I am missing?? I so with there was! Tonight, I fight back the tears. The tears that come so often when nobody is watching. The tears that my family will never realize exist. Always strong for them, but inside, I am so weak! I am feeling physically & emotionally drained, as usual. I will head to bed, where I will lay and watch the clock for hours regardless of how tired I may feel. Someday, I hope to be able to go to bed and actually fall asleep easily. That will be a day worth celebrating!!

Good Night!

A New Year....

2011-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year 2011.

Would like to say that one of my resolutions is to be better about posting here, but we all know that would be a joke for me. But, I will try. ha ha

My new year's resolutions this year..... Get on a better track financially. I want us to save more and stop spending so much on silly, unnecessary things. Once in awhile is fine, but we could be and should be saving so much more! Second resolution is to remove myself from toxic relationship or situations. They are no good and tend to only send me into a depression. I tend to worry too much about hurting other people's feelings, so even if the relationship isn't a good one for me, I stay for fear of hurting someone else. I can't keep doing that. What good is a one sided, toxic relationship anyway?!?

2010 ended badly with Ashley having a car accident a week before Christmas. Luckily though, she was not hurt and neither was anyone else. I do believe that Mom was riding with her that day. Thank you so much Mom for being Ashley's guardian Angel!! It's expected since Ashley is your clone! :)

Now to work on getting her a new car. It's her senior year and I hate that she is now without her own vehicle. Not to mention the fact that she is a very ambitious young woman and not only goes to school, but is now working 2 jobs!! Lots of places for her to be. Hope we can find her something reasonable soon!

Oh well, that is all for now. Hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year for all. Ashley will graduate high school in June & Britney will finish her first year of cosmetology school. Hoping for good things for both of them. Our 5th grandbaby is coming in April and this will be our first girl. So, lots of good to look for in 2011 so far!! :)

Who Am I Kidding????

2010-11-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm kidding myself, that is who. I said I would keep up here and even said I was going to post again yesterday or the other day.... heck, what day was it anyway?!? I think my insomnia is getting to me and what a joy tonight will be with the changing of the clocks. Another hour to sleep for most... another hour to be awake for me. Sigh........

Right now I am waiting for teens to come home. Always a fun time of night for me. Brit worked until 11 and should be on her way home and Ash is due home by 12, which of course she will push right to that moment! ha ha. I keep wondering..... did I do that too when I was a teen? Due in at a certain time and walk in right on the dot?!? Probably, but I would like to say that I didn't. ha ha

Would love to get that answer from Mom, but she is gone, unfortunately. Not about to ask Dad because whether I did or not, he would swear I did! @@ <--------- that is an eye roll!

Loving my new tv that I got for my birthday a few weeks ago. A nice 50" plasma. Watched Avatar on it tonight and Wow was it crisp!! Great movie too!

Yay, a car pulled in which means one teen home, one to go! It's Britney, of course, since she was just coming home from work. Well, I'm off to hear about her night at work. :)

Allowing too much time to go by

2010-11-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

I have realized that I am allowing too much time to go by without writing here. I honestly want to make a better effort as writing has always been such a source of pleasure for me, as well as very therapeutic for me!

Had a wonderful dinner tonight with Pat & the girls. It is a rare occasion these days when all 4 of us are around the table together. I admit that I am feeling some serious empty nest syndrome these days. Time sure has a way of flying!! Britney will be 19 on November 16th and Ashley will be 18 on December 29th. When did they grow up? Sometimes I feel as if I have missed it along the line, even though I really didn't!

Britney is doing awesome in cosmetology school. She loves it and is excited about the future. I am very happy to see her enthusiasm. Ashley is doing well in her senior year of high school. She wants to go into elementary education so we are now ready to apply to colleges and do all the fun stuff involved in that (fun said sarcastically as I'm stressed out actually). But I am excited for her next step in life too. It's just all going so fast!!

So much more to say as so much more has happened, but will type more later. :)

I know, I know.....

2010-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

I know, so much for staying on top of blogging. It's now August! Oh well, do the best I can. Some day, maybe I will actually keep up with something. Doesn't seem that I keep up with much these days!

Missing Mom a lot right now. Just a lot going on in life and when things get tough and I get down, I miss Mom so much more! Missing my mother-in-law a lot right now too. It all really sucks! Sigh...

Girls are doing good. Both working at Wawa (different ones). Making decent money and getting good hours. Britney starts tech school on September 8th. Ashley doesn't go back to school until September 20th. She is a senior this year and our final one! Very bittersweet!

Guess I just don't have much to say, or all I would be saying would be depressing and I have said all along that I will not turn this blog into a big depression thing! So, I will end this here. Going to head to bed soon anyway. Tired tonight, not that I will sleep anyway. Ugh!!

Good night!

June

2010-06-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is June and I have not posted in my blog since September. I am soooooo bad about this. I always say I will do better, but truth is, we all know better!

I'm sure tons has happened since September, so no sense trying to even remember the last months. Moving forward. June, June, June.

Britney graduates in less than 2 weeks. Can not believe she is going out into the real world now. Where has the time gone?!? Wasn't she just a little girl last week?? Sure seems like it. On top of her graduating, I will also have a senior again. Ashley already had senior pictures taken at school. Unbelievable!!!

Wednesday night is Senior Showcase. Brit will be singing a couple of times that I know of. Saturday is chorus banquet. We have had banquets, concerts, etc... over the last few weeks as well. It has been non stop lately. She will graduate on the 17th and we are having a big bbq party for her on the 19th. I think I will finally breathe on the 20th. Ha Ha

Right now I am working on organization in my home. I am trying to get back into being organized, neat, tidy, etc... Not that my house is a mess, because it definitely isn't, but there is some clutter that I can do without in my life. Also tired of my old decorations, so planning to get rid of them and replace knick knack shelves with pictures. Much more tidy.

I am very excited. I just got a movie ticket for 10 cents. I am making hubby take me to a movie tomorrow. Ha ha. I love promotions when I catch them on time. :) That will make 2 movies in 2 weeks for us. We went to see Nightmare on Elm Street last week. Now we are going to see Letters to Juliet. I love date night with Pat! :)

Well I am off to do some more stuff around the house. Will put dinner in the oven in a little bit as well. Busy, busy, busy!

Happy June!!

So much.....

2009-08-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on at the moment! Not sure I even know where to start. Hmmm, when is the last time I posted?

Anyway, came home from NC a few weeks ago to find out my dad was in an accident on the day we were driving home. Got that news 3 hours from NJ! Ugh!! Luckily, it was very minor. Turns out he passed out behind the wheel. He wasn't really hurt, but did end up at the hospital, thankfully. They did all kinds of tests on him and found out it was heart related. He had some blockages. They took care of them and also put a pacemaker in. So, on top of just finishing up cancer treatments, he has heart problems!! Ugh!!! Luckily, he is doing well now.

Band camp was the last two weeks, so Britney has been very busy. I took a lot of pictures of it all. Can't believe it was her last band camp ever! I really do have a senior now. It has hit me. They start school on September 14th. A week late due to work being done in the elementary schools. They took away all of our one day Monday holidays basically so we are still supposed to get out on time in June. That is unless we get some dreaded snow days. Let's hope not!!

I got a new puppy the other day. I know, I know... like I needed another dog. I just couldn't resist. She is my early birthday present! LOL She is a Havanese. I also joined the breeding program for the lady I get my dogs from. Should be an interesting and fun adventure! Anyway, the puppies name is Zoey.

I am very sad! My childhood best friend Nancy is in the hospital. She is 23 weeks pregnant with triplets. The first baby was just born! :( They are hoping the other two hold out at least another week or so, but it's not looking good. The first baby is in the NICU now.

Nancy just lost a baby last year. Nancy has had to go through invitro to even get pregnant. She had her first son 7 years ago and had been trying for the last 4 years or so again to get pregnant. Last year she lost her little girl in utero after carrying her for almost 6 months. :( Now this! I am hoping that the babies and Nancy are all ok in the end!!

An unusually cool evening

2009-08-06T18:33:00.000-07:00

It is absolutely beautiful out tonight. August 6th and it's in the 60's tonight. Loving it. I turned the air off and opened the windows. Even lit some yummy smelling candles! Just a perfect night it seems.

I can't believe it is already August though. Kids will be back in school before we even know it. I have a senior now! That will take some serious getting used to! Before long we will all be moving on to the next phase of life.

We are heading to NC this weekend to see Tony, Jen & Gian! It will be nice to see them again. Can't wait to kiss Gian's sweet little face!! Love my grandson! :)

We are seriously considering buying a house in NC sooner rather than later. We really want to retire there and with the house prices so low at the moment, now would be the idea time to purchase one. We do plan to look while there. I have found several that I like a lot! We shall see! :)

I have been slacking on my reading. Hoping to get back into it very soon. Probably when school starts again for the girls. Working on The Vampire Diaries book 3 at the moment. But, I have been working on that for months. LOL I'm so far behind. I haven't spent any time in my craft room either in forever. I guess I got bored with what I was doing. LOL

Having dinner & cake for Dad's birthday tomorrow night. His birthday is next week on the 11th, but we will be in NC that day, so doing it tomorrow. Dad is doing ok for the most part. He has chemo in his body still and will for another year or so for preventative reasons, so he still has days where he isn't feeling the greatest.

Well, off for now. Who knows when I'll post again since obviously I don't do it regularly. Hopefully soon though!

Summer flying....

2009-07-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Summer is flying by it seems!! Can't believe it's almost August. I haven't written here in so long. Guess life has just been too hectic.

Good news... Dad is in remission! Looks like for now, he has beat his cancer. What a relief that was!! It was like such a weight has been lifted!!

Britney is back in band already. Can not believe she is now starting her senior year activities! Ashley has been working a lot this summer. She sure likes the money anyway. LOL

Britney's big pageant was this past weekend. She did very well and we are very proud of her. She placed in and won some categories! She didn't win the title, but it seems that this is the type of pageant that you need to do several times before it's your "turn" to win! Not sure we would do it again, but it was an experience and Brit met some nice people!

We are heading to NC in a couple of weeks to visit Tony, Jen & Gian! They are buying a house and will be in it by then. Can't wait to see their new house. It sounds wonderful. I am very proud of them and all they are accomplishing. Gian is growing into a wonderful little boy!! :)

Looks like we are about to get storms, so I guess it is best to get off of here now. Just figured it was time for an update. :)

Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.....

2009-04-01T10:16:00.001-07:00

It has been a very rough few weeks here. Pat's father passed away on March 18th. Funeral was held March 23rd. My Aunt Carol passed away on March 24th, funeral was on the 28th. All of this after my dad's news of his cancer! I didn't think things could get worse after his reveal, but we had a couple of weeks after that proving that it was possible for things to take a nose dive even more.

Fog has cleared a bit now and good news came with the lifting of the fog. Dad's cancer is not in his bones. So, not as bad as originally thought. Still cancer, yes, but doctor feels it can be beat and Dad plans to beat it. So, for now, I will remain optimistic! :)

Gian's christening and first birthday bash was on the 29th. Was a looooooong day, but fun. He is such a wonderful little boy. I am so glad they were able to come back to NJ to celebrate with everyone! Miss them!

Now trying to get back into the swing of "normal" life. (whatever normal is). Britney has a lot of performance things coming up so she needs to pick and start working on songs. Big pageant this summer, so we are working on getting ready for that too now. Could use some sponsorship for that one, but the way the economy is, I feel bad asking anyone to contribute. Sigh... Oh well, we will figure it out.

Guess that's it from me for now. Dad is coming over for dinner (early) and then Ashley has to go to work.

Completely losing it!!!!

2009-03-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official... I'm completely losing it. I can not get myself together anymore. A total breakdown is on the horizon and I can feel myself sinking so fast in a black sea. Treading, but tiring fast.

Dad told us on Saturday that he has cancer. I am devastated. He said it's bad and really not looking good at all! He has known for 3 months, but wanted to spare us all because of us just watching Mom die 3 years ago of cancer. He had to finally tell us as it's worse than he had thought and hoped. It has spread quickly and is beyond surgery already. He is being put on some drug for it and being set up for radiation at this point. He will go for a bone scan and CAT scan on Monday, the 23rd. If it shows up in his bones, as the doctor believes it is, it is basically it for him. Will be a waiting for him to die game then and that's it!

I just can't deal with this again. I am such a mess right now. I am holding it together for everyone's sake on the outside, but inside I am dying already! I have never recovered from losing Mom and I know I will not recover if I lose Dad this soon now! Mom was only 59 when she left us and Dad is only 63 now!!!!!! Why is this happening? What did I do in my life that warrants so much pain???? Someone told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, if this is true he overestimates my abilities to handle things!! I had a nervous breakdown after Mom died. How am I supposed to go on if I lose Dad now??????? I am so angry, hurt, numb, etc... I will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!

I got so mad today after hearing someone say how hard it must be on my youngest brother since he is the baby..... What???? Of course it is hard on him, it's hard on my older brother and it's hard on me!! Nobody has a damn clue what losing Mom did to me. I always did my best to stay strong for everyone else, but behind closed doors I was and am still a mess. I suffer from depression which I have fought my entire life but after Mom died, it spiralled out of control forcing me to lose my mind and do things I would have never done under normal circumstances! Nobody has a damn clue or care!!!! I'm so scared for what may come if I lose Dad. It's hard enough holding it together just knowing what he is going through now, but if it comes to losing him I know I won't be able to do it!!!! I can see myself being admitted to a mental ward! I know if I sink this time, I will drown for sure! How am I supposed to do this????

February sucks!!!

2009-02-17T08:20:00.001-08:00

I have not wanted to post on here in awhile. Heck, I haven't even wanted to talk to anyone in awhile.

The anniversary of Mom's death is two short days away. 3 years! Hard to believe it has been that long when it still stings as if it were yesterday. I'm still sooooo angry. I find myself wanting to scream, cuss, cry, punch, etc..... It's just not fair.

As usual, I do my best to not show these things so as to not "bother" anyone else with my sadness. I have been really angry lately over some things. Like over the fact that friends seem to have disappeared over the last 3 years. Hell, am I that bad that people can't even seem to stand being my friend any longer? Maybe I am, but many disappeared the day of the funeral and never even gave me a chance afterwards. Others have pulled away as time has gone on. Others claim to be my friend but are very one sided and love to talk all about their problems, their lives, etc.. and then conveniently have no more time when it's my turn. I guess that's normal for me though. I have always been the one to listen to everyone else and help them with problems while keeping mine to myself. Hell, I have been keeping my problems to myself since I was a kid. Why should that ever change? Of course I am not speaking of every friend, but truth be told, I don't share my sadness with ANY of them anymore over fear of chasing the few I may still have away. Yep, I'm better off being strong for them, listening to them, offering them advice and silently suffering. It's just easier, I suppose.

Anyway, I told myself that I would not turn this blog into a dreary, whining place which is why I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't had much to say that wasn't whiney. I decided to write today even if it is a bunch of whining because I need to get it out. I don't know any other way to get it out except in a post here. If you read my blog (not sure if anyone does or not) please feel free to skip this post if you want. Of course, maybe I should go back and put a disclaimer at the top of the post since if you read this far you already read plenty of whining.

So, some good things...... The girls did better on their report cards this past marking period. I was much happier about that and hope they continue to improve.
Britney isn't doing the school musical this year and so far hasn't found any other one to do as she said she was planning to. I admit that it's killing me. I long to see her on stage and it has been a very long time. Before long she won't even be a kid in school any longer and these times will be long gone. I wish she would see that and do something besides working! Ugh!!!
Ashley didn't do basketball either and I admit I even missed that this year. Same with her, wish she were doing something, anything.... Sigh......

I stopped biting my nails. Not by choice, but because all of a sudden one day I woke up and just couldn't do it anymore?!? I don't know why, all I know is that I can't do it. Now my nails are pretty long and I hate it. Sure they look pretty, but they get in my way. Typing is a pain and so it just about everything I do. Who the heck decided that women should have long fingernails?!?

So, I have been dieting since January. I have lost somewhere around 17 pounds I guess. It's a very long process and one that I admit I hate. I hate exercise and I hate not eating what I want, when I want it. I was never a huge eater anyway, so my weight gain over the years has just been due to eating wrong times, wrong things and probably not even eating enough. I used to pretty much only eat dinners. Now I force myself to eat all of the time and good things. But, the process is slow and frustrating and I hate it! I think I would rather be fat & happy.

We booked our first cruise. It is in July. Pretty excited about that, although of course after doing it I have come up with much better uses for all of that money. LOL Isn't that always the way?!?

Well, I guess that's enough for now. Probably have tons more I could put down here but the migraine's I keep getting make it hard to type for long periods of time which sucks since I have so much I would like to be typing (like more in my novel, poetry, etc....). Oh well, life goes on, right?!? Well for some it does anyway. :(

Just things....

2009-01-26T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well, the diet is still going. Total loss so far of just under 15 pounds. I'm happy about that, but still wish it were more and faster. I know, I know... slow is best. LOL

Britney started her new job last week. Not sure yet how this one will work out. I'll admit to not being too happy about it being 20 minutes away when she could be working in town (5 minutes away). Oh well, guess all I can do is wait and see how it goes.

Ashley is on the job hunt now that she is 16. Unfortunately, not many places are hiring these days. The economy sucks and it's being felt all over.

Some exciting stuff..... we are going on a cruise. It will be our first ever and I pray that we like it. We will be going in July. If we like it, hopefully we will do it more often and next time go for a longer one too.

I'm finding that I have little patience these days for some reason. Maybe it's the diet, I don't know. I just know that even the little things are bothering me. Maybe it's the anniversary of Mom's death coming up too?!? Maybe it's that everything seems to be changing so quickly these days?!? I don't know, but it's definitely something going on with me. Ugh!!!

First of 2009

2009-01-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

Well, it's a new year and I hadn't posted anything yet, so figured it was time. Not that there is much to post about. LOL

The New Year started out pretty good. I can't complain. Hoping for a great 2009. Pat and I are back on a diet. Of course we do this every January, so we shall see how it goes. LOL I've been doing some treadmill work too. It's exhausting. I hate exercise, I admit it. LOL

Girls went back to school on Monday. I was sorry to see the break end. I enjoy their time off and the sleeping in a bit. Oh well, not long till summer is here, right? LOL

The girls and I did a lot of talking over the break about their futures. I think Ashley still isn't sure completely what she wants but she said she wants to learn cosmetology or possibly fashion/design. She is applying to votech for the 1/2 day program for her junior and senior year. If she gets in, she will take one of those two things and attend votech for 1/2 a day and her high school for 1/2 a day. I think it's a good move for her. Britney also shocked me a bit, although I do see it with her. She wants to study cosmetology for sure. She loves hair and make up. She loves doing everyone else's and is pretty good at it already. She figures if she studies that, she can use it in the theatre field as well. She can perform and also be a hair and make up person. LOL She is 100% sure of her choice and already discussed it with JD and everything. I support the girls' decisions completely. I just want them to do something and be sure of what they want. Brit is going to try to do votech her senior year for the 1/2 day and finish up the year after. If she can't get in because she should have applied for junior year, she will do two years of cosmetology after she graduates next year, as two years of college. We shall see!

Jen & Gian are up from NC for a couple of weeks. They came up last weekend. We had Gian Saturday night by ourselves. He is such a good baby. He slept for 10 1/2 hours overnight. Unbelievable. LOL I did forget how exhausting an infant can be, even a very good one. LOL Now that he is mobile, he just wants to go and go and go. LOL I wish we had a more baby proof house now. Stairs are not a good thing. Can't wait till Pat retires and we move. We are definitely buying a rancher this time. One floor is much better for grandkids. LOL

Well, I guess that is about it at the moment. I just wanted to post since I hadn't done that yet for 2009! Time sure is flying!!

2008-12-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

16 years ago today at 8:58am, my second daughter was born. We expected a boy since that pregnancy was so different than my first one a year earlier, but I was thrilled when the dr. said "It's a girl"! :) I got to the hospital at 8:12am and she was born at 8:58am after only two pushes.

Ashley has grown into such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud of her! :)

Christmas.... the day after

2008-12-26T20:22:00.000-08:00

Isn't it amazing how you spend what seems like months to get ready for Christmas and then it's gone in a flash? That is how I'm feeling this year. Days of cooking for dinner to be eaten in 20 minutes time. Months of shopping for everything to be a memory already. Oh well, guess that's all normal.

Anyway, we had a good Christmas here. Everyone was at my house as usual. Everyone loved their gifts, especially Pat. This year, I got him a 1968 T-Bird for Christmas. He has wanted a classic car for so long now and I'm so glad that this year we were able to do it! :) He got me a new laptop. One of the best you can get on the market. I'm very happy with it. He got my old laptop, which was only about a year old to begin with. LOL We are giving his old computer to a friend. The girls had a good Christmas too. Broadway tickets were a big hit. :) After dinner, everyone played Rockband on the Wii which was a lot of fun!

Now we are busy getting ready for Ashley's Sweet 16 on Monday. It never seems to end. I am enjoying the sleeping in though. LOL

Mid December Ramblings

2008-12-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in awhile, so figured I should at least post an update of sorts.

Santa Breakfast is finally over and I am breathing again. Stress has been lifted. Yay!! It was a huge success. Biggest one to date. I am very relieved it went as well as it did! Christmas parade was the same night, so that was a very busy, exhausting day!

I have basically finished my Christmas shopping now, thankfully. I actually finished wrapping this morning too. Spent several hours doing it, but at least it's done! WooHoo!!!!

Next on my agenda is writing out my food list for Christmas dinner. Will pick up everything this weekend. We will have a full house as usual for Christmas! I don't mind though. I prefer staying home for Christmas. Christmas is not the same without Mom, but I am doing my best this year to make it better than it has been the last couple of years. I even decorated more than I have been again. Of course, the outside isn't decorated as much as usual though and I'm bummed about that. Pat handles the outside and he put up all he felt like putting up. I wanted more, but what can ya do?!? There are a couple of houses down the street that are sooooo lit up. I love the look of them and wish we would do the same. Maybe some year coming up we will go overboard once Gian & Branden are a bit older and really can enjoy Christmas! :)

I have to find time to get over to my grandmom's to put her tree up. We put it up every year for her but things are soooo hectic that we have not had time to do it. I wish someone else would step in once in awhile with it. I live the furthest away and have very active kids, but still I am the one to find the time to do it for her. Sigh.... Anyway, probably will get over there either tomorrow or Friday evening to do it.

Ashley had her HOP last weekend. She looked beautiful! Britney did her hair and makeup for her and it turned out really nice! They are both growing up so fast. We are in the process of getting things together for Ashley's Sweet 16 on the 29th! So glad that Cheryl is helping me with Ashley's, like she did with Britney's last year. It really helps! :)

Well, I guess I'm off again. I should do some baking, but have to see what I have in the kitchen for it all. LOL I admit that I am not in the baking mood at all, so we shall see!

Thanksgiving and beyond

2008-12-01T04:41:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was pretty nice. Hectic, but nice. Britney was in the parade in Philadelphia, so we got her to the school by 7:30 so they could head to that. We made breakfast at the house after that. Chrissy, Jon & Branden came over as well as my Dad. Pat's dad was supposed to come as well, but called and said he was in bed sick. We also watched the parade on tv. I was disappointed that this year they didn't do any close-ups of the chorus singing?!? So, didn't really get to see Britney. She has decided this would be the last year she does the parade. It was her 2nd year and the experience was fun, but she is done with it. LOL
After all of that, we went to Kevin's for dinner. It was nice. On our way home we stopped at Howard's for dessert. Then had to get home, pack and get some sleep so we could head to NC around 3am (Pat's idea, not mine to go that early). LOL

We had a very nice weekend with Tony, Jen & Gian! Gian is such a wonderful little boy! Such a good baby and I am proud of Tony & Jen for how well they are raising him. Their house is very nice and perfect for them. We had a good time and miss them a lot!

The drive home was hell though! It rained the entire way. What was supposed to be about a 6 hour ride turned into a 10 1/2 hour one. We were exhausted by the time we got home last night! LOL

Now back to reality.... have to finish organizing the Santa Breakfast stuff. I have a few calls to make about it to make sure everyone is on board and on track. I can not wait until it's over!! Next year, I am not organizing it. Help, maybe, but run it... no way! LOL Also have to work on holiday stuff and Ashley's Sweet 16. Can't I just stay on vacation forever? LOL

2008-11-16T07:59:00.000-08:00

17 years ago today I gave birth to my first beautiful daughter, Britney! She was perfect in every way and even began holding her head up at a day old. 17 years later she has grown into a beautiful young woman and I am very proud of her. She is beautiful, smart, talented and so very kind hearted. The young woman she has become is one that everyone flocks to because being around her makes everyone else happy.

Tomorrow morning she will take her road test for her license. It is hard to think of letting her drive off in her car alone, but I know it is all part of the letting go process. We do what we have to do and this will be no different.

So, happy birthday to my beautiful Britney! May you always be blessed and protected!

Here comes the rain

2008-11-13T08:56:00.001-08:00

Raining again! Ugh! Sick of rain since it has done it a lot in the last weeks. It's also very chilly out. The kind of day where you want to stay in bed. I didn't though. LOL I took an Ambien last night to get sleep. I'm tired of insomnia and need to find ways to sleep. My lack of sleep even contributes to my weight, which sucks!! So, I had enough last night and broke down and took one even though it was a school night. The girls are great about getting up and going without me. I still woke up, but stayed in bed and texted them to make sure they were up and moving. All went well. I stayed in bed until about 9 and then had to get up because of a major coughing fit. I'm feeling like such crap today. Ugh!

Britney's birthday is on Sunday. Can't believe she will be 17 and driving. She goes for her road test on Monday morning. Very scary time for me as her mom, but a very exciting time for her! I'm sure she will do great as she is very responsible, but I know it will just add more stress and worry to my life. I can't help but wonder how my mom did this! LOL

I'm in the process of trying to plan Ashley's Sweet 16 party. We are having such a hard time finding a resonably priced place to rent. Everyone wants around $400 just to rent the hall. Ugh!! We figure once we add in the hall rental, food, etc... we are looking at a party that will cost over $1000, right after Christmas! Ashley keeps telling us to push it back some and she doesn't care if it's on her birthday or not. I would hate to do that though. Guess I care more than she does when it comes to that. I want her 16th to be special and since she was born 4 days after Christmas, most of her birthdays have been a flop! I don't want her 16th to be a flop, it needs to be memorable!

Oh well, I suppose things will fall into line at some point.

It's raining really good now. I was going to wander out to get the mail, but it's a bit messy at the moment out there. Guess I'll wait. Wish I was the kind of person that could nap, because that is what I would be doing right now. LOL

Nationals and more.........

2008-11-09T15:40:00.000-08:00

The band had Nationals on Friday. So glad competition season is now over. We were exhausted this season! Anyway, we took 4th at Nationals which isn't bad at all! We were the highest NJ band in our group and also beat the band that beat us the week prior at Northern Championships. Just goes to show we should have won those as well if it weren't for one judge that had a preference for a marching drumline over a stationary one. Oh well, we know that our kids were on top of their game then and at Nationals. We are so proud of them!

It was really weird because as of Friday night, it was like a weight was lifted around here. Especially for Britney. She told Pat yesterday while they were out practicing paralell parking and stuff that she is so much more relaxed now that it's over. All of the stress seems to have disappeared now and she is back to being happy go lucky again. Thank goodness! I don't think my stress will lift until after Santa Breakfast in December, unfortunately!

Britney & Sarah are making cupcakes right now. Yum! Can't wait to have one. LOL Ashley is out and about at the moment. We are just relaxing and watching some football. It's been a pretty good Sunday here.

Mom's Things

2008-11-06T07:56:00.001-08:00

Last night I had Dad over for dinner, which I do often so that is nothing new. He brought two big boxes with him of Mom's knick knacks, snowglobes, etc... I have yet to go through them. Mom loved snowglobes and I probably bought her 90% of the ones she had. I am planning to put all of her snowglobes out in my craft room where at the moment I have two empty shelves to fill. Was going to put dolls on them, but I think this would be better. He also told me he found their cake top from their wedding and a candle from the wedding. He is going to give those to me now as well. I love having Mom's things, but will be honest that it tends to make me sadder sometimes. Maybe it's just the initial having to go through the stuff and set it up. Hoping that is all it is anyway and that once I have things in their place the sadness will subside again.

I have been thinking about Mom a lot in the last month or so again. I'm not sure if it's the girls growing up and I'm sad that she isn't here to share this with me or what. Maybe it's band season because Mom's favorite thing was marching band when I was in high school. Heck, she even stayed with the band after I graduated for a couple of years back then. LOL She would be the biggest, loudest fan in the stands watching our band now! Sigh... Oh well, life goes on, right?

Well.....

2008-11-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

It looks like we have a newly elected president. Hope he lives up to all the hype around him!

Moving on.........
I am feeling pretty down lately. Trying hard not to be, but for some reason it's here like a brick sitting on my chest. Not sure if it's just exhaustion from band season, the approaching holidays, etc..... but it is here. Sigh....

Not much to say, I guess since I would hate for this post to turn into a whining spell. LOL So, going to go now and do.............nothing at all. LOL

Northern States

2008-11-02T11:15:00.000-08:00

Well we had Northern States Championships last night. We took 2nd and also won best music and best visual effects. We lost by less than a full point, so really nothing to be sorry of. The kids did a great job, as always! On to Nationals next week. Win or lose, we are all very proud of our wonderful kids!

Today we are all pretty much relaxing. Britney had an essay to finish up and she did that already. I think her and JD are supposed to hang out later.

I'm so glad the kids have several days off school this week. We could all use the break. Now, I just wish band season had ended for us when originally supposed to because that would mean the days off would be completely free. Unfortunately, they won't be now since there will be band practices and then Nationals on Friday!

Exhaustion setting in......

2008-10-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

I definitely think my body is shutting down from total exhaustion now. The band season has been so grueling on parents & kids. We don't get a break at all this week. It started last night (Tuesday) with practices. Tonight we had the Halloween parade and party after, practice tomorrow night, football game Friday and then competition on Saturday. I would love to say we at least have Sunday off, but truth is, we don't! We won't be home from the Saturday competition until about 3am Sunday! So, by the time we get to bed we will sleep half of our Sunday away anyway! Ugh!!

Then, the decision to go to Nationals was made, so instead of this week being it for us, we are continuing on. I would never begrudge the kids this opportunity, but damn I am tired! Next week it will be practices and then Annapolis, MD on Friday for Nationals.

So, after competition season is finally over, I have to move forward with the Santa Breakfast stuff. I am feeling overly stressed over this one. I honestly did not ask to be in charge of this. It was dropped in my lap. I don't mind helping out all I can at these things, but to be in charge of organizing it, nope, not what I want to do! I didn't mind helping last year at all, but I did not want to be in charge of this huge fundraiser. It is very stressful and we all know I don't handle stress the best in the last few years! I tend to worry about it spiraling me out of control. I am doing my best to not let it, but the last few weeks, I have been feeling the breakdown coming. It's just the worst time of year for me, I think! I used to organize pageants with no problem, but things are so different in me now that organizing one frundraiser is driving me nuts!

I am honestly thinking about resigning from the board at the end of this school year. I hate to do it, but I'm honestly thinking it's best for my own sanity. I don't mind being part of the boosters and helping out all I can, but I don't think being on the board is for me. We shall see, but I am leaning towards doing that anyway.

Holidays are coming and even they are causing me stress this year. I usually do Thanksgiving and Christmas. It has just been that way. When Mom was alive, she helped or even took one and then I helped her instead. Since her passing, I have done both most of the time. Kevin has mentioned taking Thanksgiving this year, which would be fine, but he would need my help and I would still find myself doing a good portion of the holiday. Britney is in the Boscov's parade in Philly that morning as well. So, like last year, dinner will need to be pushed back to about 3pm instead of 1 like we used to do. The day after Thanksgiving we are planning to go to NC to visit Tony, Jen & Gian for a few days. Even that has me stressed now as both girls had commitments that came up for that weekend. Ashley has basketball tryouts that weekend and may not be able to get out of them which would mean leaving her behind that weekend! Britney was supposed to attend homecoming as an executive student council member or she would be kicked out of the organization. Luckily, she was able to straighten that one out and all is ok with her. I can not believe they even put homecoming on Thanksgiving weekend. How stupid is that???? So, the trip is going to be stressful if I have to leave Ashley behind for the weekend. We were supposed to go as a family, not minus one! Ugh!!!!

Britney had her driving test in a few weeks. Even that is stressing me out. Because of band season, we have not had any time at all to take her out and practice her parking or anything. She has driven, but needs some help with the parallel parking still. Now that band season has been extended again, that will take us up to the week before her test! Not sure one week is going to be enough and honestly, I worry about her failing her first try because of lack of practice and possibly her own nervousness! We added her car and her to our insurance which of course spiked our policy by quite a bit! Her father is supposed to help with it, but I won't hold my breathe. He was also supposed to help with buying her a car, but that never happened!

Seems like I'm in a bitching mood, so looks like I should rename this post the Bitch post. LOL Guess I just get like this when stressed!

On a positive note, the kids had a great time at the Halloween party tonight. It was great to see them all having a blast together for a change since they have worked so hard this season. Britney was excited today because she got the highest grade on a pshychology test today. She hung it on the fridge like she used to when she was little. It's cute! Ashley decided to go to the next two competitions as a band aide, so she will be travelling with the band. I think she missed doing it this year, even if she won't admit it. She was having a blast at the party tonight too. LOL Oh, the Phillies won the World Series tonight. I'm not a baseball fan, so I personally didn't care much. I did find myself watching it though and cheering them on. Even though I generally hate the Philadelphia teams! LOL Well, I hate the Eagles, but guess I won't take that out on the Phillies. LOL

Oh, also forgot to mention that yesterday, we gave Angel away. It was very hard to do after hand raising her for the last 5 years! It was necessary though. Her and Bella could not get along anymore and Angel is such a non-dog that she needed a home where she could be the center of attention and get all of the love. I found her what I feel will be a wonderful home with an older woman who lives alone, but has raised Shihtzu's in the past. Her last one died 4 years ago, but lived to be 19! She was a perfect fit for Angel and I know Angel will get tons of love and she deserved that. We had talked for awhile about trying to find her and possibly even Bella homes. I will miss her, but luckily the lady will also be keeping in touch with me and said she would send tons of pics in email as well. Now, if Bella doesn't knock her pushiness off, she will be finding a new home next. LOL Since Angel is gone, she may turn her dominating nature to Rajah and I will not have that at all! We shall see. She is a wonderful dog in every other way, but she has real issues with other female dogs for some reason! It's beginning to drive me nuts!

Okay, I think this post was long and boring enough so I guess I should possibly think about getting some sleep. Morning comes way too quickly these days. I need to pack some food for Britney for tomorrow. She has to stay after school and then has band at 6, so she will stay straight through. Usually she will go buy something, but I'm so sick of having to give her extra money all of the time because of band practices! I told her she can pack for a change. LOL Yep, I'm being a bitch! Truth is that band season breaks the bank here! And, I still have to buy my damn tickets for All States tomorrow at $13 each! At least I don't have to buy Ashley one now that she will be part of the band. LOL

Tired

2008-10-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

Too tired to post much tonight, but wanted to say a huge congratulations to our band, New Jersey Group 1 open Champions! WooHoo! They were awesome today and not only did they win the state championships, but they took a clean sweep winning every category: best color guard, best music, best percustion, best visual and best overall effects! What an awesome day!

Rainy Saturday

2008-10-25T15:53:00.001-07:00

It was rainy and miserable today. I honestly didn't mind much though. At least it was warm too. Pat did a bunch of work on Brit's car today. It's running great. She is loving it. We let her drive her car to the football game last night. Pat went in the car with her, of course. I know she was loving it and can't wait to be able to just go alone. She goes for her road test on November 17th, so we shall see after that.

Britney had band practice 3 to 5 today, so dropped her off then ran to pick up check from Don. Ashley convinced him to take her and Dallas to the mall, so she stayed with him and he will bring her home at some point tonight. We stopped at Shoprite on the way back into Hammonton to pick up some goodies for in the van for the long ride to and from the competition tomorrow. Then picked Brit back up at band. They were having pizza after practice, but she didn't want to stay for it. She is sick of junk food, so she opted to come home right after and have a nice, yummy, Caesar salad instead. LOL It will be an early to bed night here since we have to have Brit at the school by 6:30 tomorrow morning. After tomorrow, just one more week left of competitions, thank goodness! We are all pretty run down from the season. Now, if I can just get through the Santa Breakfast in December, I'll be happy. LOL

I haven't had any time in my craft room for a few days. Always so much going on these days. Will look forward to more time in there once competition season is over as well.

They are playing a Halloween marathon on AMC today. I have been watching them most of the day. Yes, I'm a crazy Halloween fan. LOL Rajah is laying in the chair with me. Have I mentioned that she is always up my butt? LOL I laugh at Britney because she says Rajah is her dog, but truth be told, Rajah is my dog!

Random, smokey Friday thoughts

2008-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have a migraine from all of the smoke in the air today! It's horrible. Forest fire has been burning for about 4 days now in the area. The girls' school was closed today due to the bad air quality here. It smells worse today than it has in the past days. I think the wind has shifted and it's now heading this direction! The joys of living in the woods! Ugh!! The house is all closed up, but I still smell it! There is supposed to be a home football game tonight, but not sure yet what will happen with that. I certainly don't see how they could make them play in that smoke! Still waiting to hear.

We are expecting horrible weather tomorrow. It should help with the fire, hopefully. But, it has made our championships scheduled for Giants Stadium to be moved to Sunday instead and now at a different location since the NFL plays on Sunday at the stadium. Sunday is supposed to be nicer though, so it's best. Times got changed around though, so now the kids have to be at the school by 6:30am on Sunday as busses are leaving at 7. We perform at 11 and our awards are at 3:15. It's about a 2 hour drive to the school it's being held at. Hope we do well. We are going in pretty much as top seat, but I looked at the schedule and they have us going first. I hate first! LOL

I feel so bad for Ashley. One of her friends, was hit by a truck last night while riding on a quad. It was actually two of her friends. The one boy was up and walking around and just hurt his arm, but the other boy had to be flown out and she said he wasn't moving at all. Yes, she was there right after the accident since it was only one road over! As far as I know, she hasn't heard anything about him yet today. She was pretty upset most of the night, so I was actually glad when school was canceled. I doubt she got much sleep, unfortunately!

Well, guess I'm going for now since I seem to be coughing up a lung now! Ugh, this smoke!!! :(

Yawn........

2008-10-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Well, weekend is over and I think I'm still feeling it. LOL It was a long, busy one. But, on a good note, our band is now South Jersey Regional Champions! WooHoo!! Way to go band!

Branden's christening yesterday was nice. He was so good during it and slept most of the time. Such sweetie. I was so happy to see Gian too. Tony, Jen & Gian came up for the christening as Jen is the godmother. I have missed Gian so much. He is still such a good little boy! He is 7 months now and is getting so animated. I love it!

I have so much going on right now. I have to plan the Santa Breakfast for the band, plan Ashley's Sweet 16, figure out Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas holiday and all of the rest of the band stuff. My head is spinning all of the time.

I want and need to get back on a diet, but who has the time to worry about that stuff?!? We eat on the run so often right now. I try not to eat bad, but it's inevitable when we are gone more than home or even when home the dinner's are super fast ones. I am looking forward to band season being over. Just seems as it if was longer than usual this year.

Can I Stay in Bed This Weekend???

2008-10-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

It is going to be a crazy weekend. Definitely thinking staying in bed would be a better idea. LOL

Tonight is a huge football game at the high school. We are playing Mainland and we are both undefeated. It is supposed to be the biggest game of the season. Brit has to be back to the school by 4:30, which honestly, I do not understand. The game is at 7 and it's a home game. I hate that the director feels the need to practice these kids for hours prior to things all of the time! He has totally exhausted these kids this year and moral is pretty low at this point. Ugh!! Anyway, probably won't be home until after 10 tonight from the game. Then, tomorrow morning Brit & Ash have PSAT testing and need to be at the school before 8am. They get done at 11:15am and Brit has to be at band at 12! So, enough time to grab her, run to the store to let her get some food and drop her right back off. Competition after that and after he practices them for a few hours, I'm sure!! They are due to go on the field at 5 something for the competition and awards aren't until about 10 at night. By the time they get back to the school for us to pick her up there, we will most likely be home around midnight! Then on Sunday we have Branden's christening and Britney has another competition.

I am pretty pissed about the competition on Sunday. This was not on the schedule and he just threw it in without consulting parents or even the boosters first. We purposely had Chrissy plan Branden's christening around the band schedule and now that is messed up! Britney can't even attend her nephew's christening now and we are going to have to go nuts figuring out all of the transportation stuff for her. It truly is crazy and I am honestly hating it this year. I can not wait for the season to be over. These kids have worked their butts off this year and this director is running them into the ground every week. Britney was actually ready to quit last week, which definitely means it has gotten bad! :(

So, I don't see much rest in my future for this weekend. I haven't been sleeping well either. Although, that is pretty normal, but it's been even worse than usual lately. My mind never seems to shut down and I'm always thinking about what I have to do coming up. I guess someday, things will be calm around here.

I Should Be Sleeping

2008-10-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yep, I should be sleeping, but here I am again. Ugh! Well, it's 12:17am, so it is officially my birthday! Happy Birthday to me! Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

Tonight we had my birthday dinner. It was a complete flop, which does not surprise me one bit. Only people to show were my Dad, Chrissy & Branden, John, and Erene. Brit's boyfriend, JD ran by after he got off work to give me a card. I thought that was very sweet of him! He's a good kid! Let's see, I don't think Chrissy even really said happy birthday to me at all (well, I guess singing happy birthday is saying it, so maybe she did?!?). The night seemed to turn into more about Branden and Chrissy than my birthday. :( It tends to always happen, so guess I should not be surprised about that either. Sigh..... These are the reasons I tend to not want to bother with more than just us for my birthday. I end up doing stuff, like cleaning up for my own celebration and then others monopolize Pat during that time, etc... Maybe I'm just being selfish, but damn it, it was MY birthday celebration!! When do I ever think of myself?? I definitely do not think one night a year making it about me is so wrong?!? Oh well, life goes on.

Now that it's my real birthday, I wonder how many will actually bother calling me to say happy birthday or anything?!? Won't surprise me if nobody does, honestly. Such is life. Okay, yes, I miss Mom!!!! Mom would never forget it or make my day about anything else. She always made sure that I knew it was about me at least that one day a year. :( These are times when I miss her the most.

Anyway, I did get lots of nice stuff from Pat and the girls. Of course, I did pick most of it out. Pat did surprise me with a nice album for my ATC's, so I was happy about that. Aside from that, the girls did also include nice letters in my box of craft stuff. Even Erene included a nice little letter. So sweet! So, besides the album, I got a big box full of craft stuff for my craft room, a new printer with a photo editing software, and a couple of books! :) Pat wants to take me to dinner for my actual birthday. I have to figure out how we can manage that one. Ashley has to stay after school for basketball and Britney has to go back to school for band rehearsal. Not sure how the heck we can manage to go out to dinner, but we will figure something out, I suppose.

Well, it is now almost 12:30 and I suppose I really should try to get some sleep tonight. I'm considering sleeping my birthday away. Maybe I'll stay in bed all day?!? Yeah, like I could do that. LOL Good night!

When Did She Grow Up?

2008-10-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally bought Britney her first car. I can't help but wonder when she grew up from that little girl that I remember so well? It's pretty scary. I guess bittersweet is really the right word for it. I'm excited for her and for all of the new things ahead for her and even for our relationship. But, at the same time, I miss my baby! Sigh..... Life marches on whether you are ready for it to or not, I guess.

So, tomorrow is my birthday! Yippee!! Not! LOL Tonight we are having my birthday dinner here at he house. I'm sure it will be nice, even if I'm not real into having everyone over for my birthday. I tend to miss Mom a lot on my birthday. I am excited to see Branden tonight though. I haven't seen him in a few weeks and he grows so fast these days! I will, of course, take tons of pictures. LOL

This weekend coming up will be a crazy one. Football game Friday night. The girls have PSAT's on Saturday morning. Brit has a competition Saturday afternoon and into the night. Sunday is Branden's christening, but the dumbass band director also through another competition in for that day. We are pissed about that!! Tony, Jen & Gian are coming up for the weekend for the christening. I'm excited to see Gian, but won't get much time with him! Ugh!! I honestly can not wait until competition season is over this year!

Well, going to put some pictures of Britney and her new car in this post now!

Guess Who's Awake Late Again......

2008-10-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, that would be me! I'm up again and it's after 12:30am. I hate insomnia. Nothing wrong this evening, but I'm wide awake! Ugh!!!

Just finished watching Underworld with Britney and now she has headed to bed. Pat works tomorrow, so he went to bed hours ago! Ashley is away for the night. So, all is quiet here now and I'm the only one still up and about. Watching True Blood on HBO now, but it's the rerun from this past week. Sigh.... Nothing much on besides that.

Football game this evening was another blowout. We didn't go because it was away and all the way in Ocean City, but the band had to go, so Brit was there. We are still undefeated for the season. Competition this week is on Sunday since there is no school on Monday. It should be a quicker one that usual as there aren't as many bands there this weekend. Glad that we are getting a bit of a break this weekend anyway. It was very needed.

I had a nice night with Pat. After we dropped Brit at the school for the game and Ashley at her friends, we went to some stores and went to eat. It was a very nice time. I got all of my birthday presents. LOL Yeah, sucks some to know everything you are getting, but at the same time at least I do get what I want. LOL We are having the family over on Wednesday night for dinner and cake. My birthday is actually on Thursday, but that is a band rehearsal night, so no time for people over that night. I personally could care less about having people over for my birthday, but Pat likes to do it, so I let him have his fun. LOL

Well, I guess I should think about attempting sleep or something. Most likely the "or something" will win out at this point. LOL

Random Acts of Kindness

2008-10-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

As bad as I was feeling last night, I feel that much better today. It is shocking what a small gesture of kindness can do to a person's mood for the day.

I was out of the house bright and early this morning and at Shoprite by 8am. I had a few things to pick up that turned into $60 worth! LOL I never go in and get just what I went for. LOL So, on my way home I decided to run through the McDonald's drive through and grab an egg mcmuffin for something different. I get up to the window to pay and the guy proceeds to tell me that the guy in front of me paid for mine too?!? I was dumbfounded. I said "you're kidding, right?" to the guy at the window and he assured me that he was not. I did not even know the person in front of me. All I know was that it was some guy in a white pick up truck. He didn't stop or slow down to wait for me to thank him or anything. It was just a random act of kindness and it made my day completely. I know $2 for breakfast isn't a huge deal, but the fact that some stranger would just do that for no reason has put a new perspective on my day. I was feeling so down and low when I left the house this morning. In Shoprite I felt myself tearing up for no apparent reason as I walked around. It was like this guy knew that I was down and needed a boost today and his act did that for me. Now, I need to pay it forward and definitely plan to do something for someone else first chance I get! :)

There is hope in this world still! :)

Another Late Night

2008-10-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it is after midnight and here I sit again. I just can't seem to find a way to sleep. Of course, this is nothing new for me, but I do admit that I am quite frustrated over it. Maybe it's because life never seems to slow down. Maybe it's because I miss Mom. Maybe it's because I have had insomnia since I was 14. Maybe it's because I want to scream all of the time? Hmmmm, I suppose it could be all of those things wrapped up in one.

Lately I have felt like I have nobody to talk to. Life has rushed forward and I sometimes feel as if I have been left behind somehow. I am frustrated.

My father said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings and I think since then it has been eating at me a lot more than I thought. I tend to try to let things go because it is just dad and he has always been this way. I have done my best since becoming adult to take what he says with a grain of salt and move on. As a kid, what he said I hung on to and let it affect me greatly. I felt I was past that, but now I find myself falling into old habits. He is closest to me & my family now that Mom has left us, but he still manages to say hurtful things without blinking an eye. I truly think he doesn't see that what he says might hurt me, so I do try my best to let it go and ignore it. Ugh!! Guess that is what I need to do this time again. I guess it was just like such a slap in the face to me that I was shocked and stunned about it all. Sigh..... Oh well, life will find a way to trudge forward as it has for the past few years now.

On a good note... I am looking forward to this weekend. The girls are off Friday & Monday from school, so that is a welcome break. Of course, band is still full force all weekend. Football game Friday night, UofD on Saturday and a competition on Sunday. Britney has opted out of the UofD thing on Saturday. I don't blame her, but I hope it doesn't come back to bite her in the butt later. Director didn't make it mandatory though and about 1/2 the band has opted to not go. They all need a break, so I do not blame them a bit really.
Hope I can sleep in a bit those 4 days (if I sleep, of course)!

Well, I guess I need to go try to sleep. Last night I didn't go in until 1am and Pat was worried about me. It's now 12:15am, so I'm sure he will be worried yet again. Wish he would stop worrying so much!! LOL

Ciao

Another week, another first place

2008-09-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

It was a great weekend for our band again! Not only did we take 1st place in our group, but also every single caption award in the group and then the cherry on top.... Best In Show!!! Way to go Hammonton Marching Blue Devils!!! :)

I spent last night with a migraine, so got very little to no sleep. I was definitely dragging this morning. Such a beautiful day out and I hate feeling like this on these types of days! Ugh!!

Fall is upon us as the cool weather is finally moving in. Fall is my favorite season, so hoping it's a good one with plenty of fall weather and colors. I hate when it seems to jump from being hot to cold and doesn't give us the comfortable in between! So far, it's looking good though for the fall weather.

I can't believe tomorrow is already October! Guess that means it's almost my birthday again. Gee, who doesn't want to get another year older? Ok, so I'm going to be 29..........again! LOL

Guess that's about it for now. Boring, I know. Just not much going on at the moment.

The last few days

2008-09-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on. What a busy weekend and beginning to the week we are having here.

Saturday the band had a parade in the morning and then their first competition in the evening. I will admit to being very skeptical about the band's ability this year to pull off a win. Happy to report they proved me very wrong and not only did they win their group, but also was less than two points away for the overall at the competition. Second only to a much bigger group 3 band. We are group 1. We also found out since then that we are the band to beat at this point as we are the highest scoring group 1 band in the state as of right now. It's a lot of pressure on the kids now to stay on track. Hope they can do it. They are all awesome kids!!

Today I had to run my Dad to pick up his new Harley trike. It's pretty neat. He is loving his new toys, but I honestly feel they are just a substitute for him or something to try to take him mind off of Mom. He misses her so much. Everytime I am with him alone now, he does talk about her a little bit here and there and I can tell he is really hurting. He asked me today if I wanted all of her snow globes that he has sitting out on a table in his dining room. I don't know where I will put them all, but of course I want them! If it was Mom's, I want it!! Being with him is painful at times because after I always go through my own emotions of missing her. On my way home from dropping him off I passed the big corn maze that we did with her a couple of years and now that it's that time again, the memories hurt. I remember her, me and the girls getting lost in the maze the one year. We laughed and laughed so much. A laugh I will never again be able to share with her. So much is missing without her....
Ok, enough of that crap again. I swear anyone reading this will get tired of hearing about my mother!!

Back to today. So, Ashley went to a friend's after school to work on homework and stuff. Pat, Brit & I went to Saladworks for dinner. Yum! Nothing like a good salad! After that we dropped Brit off at band practice and headed to the shore. Branden is in the hospital so we went to spend some time with him, Chrissy & John. The poor little thing is so congested. He was happy to see us though and was smiling and talking up a storm. Such a sweet little angel! He just turned 3 months on the 17th. After our visit we stopped at Starbucks where I got a pumpkin spice latte. Yum!!! Then picked Ashley up at her friends and headed to the school to wait for band practice to get done at 9:30. We got home at 10 and now everyone, but me is in bed! Then again, what is new, right?!? Even when I'm in bed, I only take tiny little cat naps! It's going on midnight and I do need to attempt to go to sleep since I do get up around 5:30 with the girls! I miss summer already!! Those early mornings suck!

School is going well as far as I know so far for both. We shall see when progress reports come out in a couple of weeks. Both girls signed up for PSAT's yesterday as well. They are in October. Hope they both do well on those. I personally hate standardized tests like that. I think they are ridiculous and truly mean nothing. If a kid is having a bad day then obviously they can't do well on that one day test! Ugh!!!

Okay, enough babbling... I'm going to bed! Goodnight

Competition season start

2008-09-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the opening of another band competition season for us! Lots of mixed feelings this year about it all. Hoping they will do great, but have my doubts at this point. Colorguard just finished learning their work on Thursday night finally and their uniforms haven't even come in!!! So, I rushed around this week and made the girls tshirts to wear with their jazz pants at least for this weekend. They came out pretty cute, but they certainly are not uniforms! Ugh!!

We will start our day tomorrow with a parade in the morning. Competition is at night and is an hour or so away. We go on a little before 7, but the competition doesn't get over until 10 or later. So, figuring that we won't be home before midnight. Will be a long day for sure!

I try really hard to get into it all, but there is alway something missing! Today is 2 years and 7 months since Mom's passing! Still not easier and each thing I go to without her is still very hard! She loved band competitions when I was in them and couldn't wait until the girls were old enough to be in colorguard and other high school things. Well, she didn't wait for that to happen before leaving us. :(

Anyway, enough of that! Gets old, I know! So, I am sitting here in my craft room waiting for Ashley to get home. Brit came in awhile ago from JD's. Ashley is at our local fair/township day. She sent a text saying that she would be home soon. Sure hope so! But, since I'm sitting in my craft room I will honor Tammy's request and add some pictures of it in this post! LOL

Well, added pictures, but they went to the top of the post. Guess it doesn't matter. Have to figure this thing out some day so I can put pictures where I want them. LOL

I guess it's time to get off of here. While waiting for the pictures to upload, I got a headache. I think someone's trying to tell me to get off the computer!

Off the IV finally

2008-09-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Pat went to the doctor's today. He is finally off of the iv and was very happy to have that picc line removed from his arm. Glad that is over! The doctor was great and told him exactly how this happens and what needs to be done to prevent it from happening again. His leg will never be normal again, but it will be manageable and that is what is most important.

So, right now I am sitting in my craft room. I made some more ATC's today. These ones are for the Broadway musical Wicked. It was fun to make them since I love the show so much. I am really loving my craft room. Britney just came down to say goodnight and laughed because she thinks I hide out in here all of the time now. Well, maybe I do. It's a great escape place for me now. Sometimes, honestly, I do need to hide out from the rest of the world.

I have been feeling a bit irritable the last few days. I'm trying to shake the feelings and am not even sure where they are coming from. Well, maybe I do know where they come from. It's my approaching birthday, I suppose. The last few years just have not been the same for my birthday. It is a month away now and I do tend to start feeling a bit irritable and melancholy about it all. It is definitely times like this that I miss Mom the most. I can't help but still wonder if this is normal. After 2 1/2 years, am I still supposed to be so damn angry? A couple of weeks ago I had a breakdown. I hadn't had one of those in a very long time. I found myself going into Britney's room, which used to be Mom & Dad's room when they lived here and screaming for her. Asking her where she is and why isn't she showing me that she is around me and in this house. That is the room she passed away in and I feel as if her spirit would be strong in there, but as usual, I was greeted with silence. I'm angry!

I have Dad over at least once a week for dinner. He also shows up off and on just when he is out doing nothing else. He is so lonely and every time he expresses that, I get angry again. Although I do know that I hurt for myself also, I do believe I hurt more for my Dad and my girls! I hurt for what Mom is missing out on with everyone else. When Dad was over the other day, we were having a discussion about medical bills and things like that and he talked about how after Mom died some people were trying to collect things from her and he finally gave them the address to the cemetery with her plot number and stuff. I sit and listen to him but find that I still can not talk about her death much. Sigh..... I suppose, someday it will get easier.

Anyway, this post was not supposed to be about all of that. Isn't it weird how things morph and take on a whole new life sometimes?!? I need to make a promise to myself that this blog will not turn into a full time whine fest about Mom like my online journal is. I have reread that one a few times and realize that the whole thing is just full of depressing posts. Who the heck wants to read those things???

Well, I'm off now. Should think about bed, but insomnia doesn't allow that often either. Guess I'll tinker with some craft stuff while watching (more like listening) to the Monday night football game!

Another busy week

2008-09-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it is the start of another busy week here. I am waiting for Pat to get himself together this morning so we can head out. We have to pick a present up for his dad. Today is his birthday and then we are meeting him for breakfast. Pat has a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Hopefully he will be able to go off of the iv antibiotics today. He is really tired of them.

The girls are off to school as usual. It will be a full week of activities. Basketball for Ashley and band for Britney. We begin our competition season this upcoming weekend. Parade on Saturday morning and our first competition of the season on Saturday night. It will be a crazy Saturday, needless to say!

Well, Pat is finally up and moving, so guess that means time to head out. I will possibly write more later.

Just Because

2008-08-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am starting this blog, just because. I have always enjoyed journaling, although I admit that at times I do not keep up with it at all. We shall see how this works out for me. Sometimes I just have nothing to say and other times.... well.... we will see. LOL