Laughter is the best medicine!

Last night we had our January "drop-in" for Tapestries of Hope. Tapestries of Hope is a group I now belong to. It is all women who have lost their Moms. When I first got involved back in September, I wasn't sure how I would like it. I had tried Gilda's club about a year and a half after losing Mom and it honestly did nothing for me. I find Tapestries to be quite refreshing as every single woman there knows exactly what it feels like to lose their Mother! It was a wonderful gathering full of food, stories & laughter. Laughter is definitely the best medicine! I do find that I still do not share much, but even listening to others stories helps. Not sure why I don't share that often. Guess I have just always been a pretty closed up, private person. Right or wrong, it is all I know.

The discussion last night turned to what the hardest times seem to be for most of the women. From birthday to holidays to the anniversary of their Mom's deaths. While I do have moments in each of those things, I find my toughest times to be the milestones that involve my girls. Sometimes even just the normal things with my girls, like when Britney has a performance. When she is up on stage, along with my pride for her, I always miss Mom so terribly. Mom loved Britney's singing and it makes me sad that she did not get to see it past Britney young teens. She hasn't been here to see the development of her voice into a woman's voice and how beautiful her singing became over the years. :(

Then there are the milestones.... Ashley's 18th birthday in December was one of those. I remember the awful sadness that came over me that day and I wasn't even sure why I was feeling it. It was supposed to be a happy day. We had a big party for her and I remember at points during it I found myself just sitting there staring off into space. Mom missed Ashley becoming a woman and it makes me angry. Britney's graduation last year was tough and I have a feeling that Ashley's graduation this June is going to be even worse since she is the baby of the family! I want Mom there so badly! Mom was the girls' biggest fan, biggest supporter, biggest everything. I miss that for them. Mom would be the proudest person sitting in the stands when Ashley gets her diploma. It really sucks that she is not here!!!

The 5th anniversary of Mom's passing is coming up on February 19th. I keep thinking that after 5 years, it should be easier. This should all be easier, but sometimes it just isn't. While I do function normally day to day, there is always that empty spot. Do I spend my days crying? Of course not, although I do have plenty of times where the tears come easily. I just feel as if I walk around every single day still feeling so heavy in the chest. That weight is still there, crushing me and making it hard to breathe! But, I am determined to keep breathing!!

Thank you to my "Angel Sisters" for the wonderful evening last night. Laughter truly is the best medicine and I do appreciate each and every one of you for bringing some of that to my life! :)