It has been awhile since I have written. I seem to go in spurts with things like this. I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.
Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart. I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family. Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago. The loss of her mother. Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS???? If not, there it is. It sucks!!!!
Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days...... They all jumble together when you reach this point. I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me. It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.
Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone. It is so hard though. I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this. The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now. I cry for my daughter-in-law. I cry for her lovely Mom. I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom. I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers. I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily. I cry for a world that just is not fair. Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.
I am angry! Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same. I want to scream! It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option. So, I sit here crying instead. Tears of sadness. Tears of total frustration. Tears of anger. Tears of loss. Tears that seem to never end. :(
Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek. So many tears............
2 comments:
Kim,
So beautifully written, so heartfelt! Your words brought back to me the images of first my brother, and then my mom, 6 months later. Cancer sucks, grief sucks-whether its part of life or not-it just sucks and all we can do is get through it, and let those tears fall. All I can hold onto is that, no matter how big cancer is, love is bigger...from your angel sister, Alison, daughter of Betty Catharine
Thank you Alison! Yes, Cancer does suck & so does grief. Love is definitely bigger though and I hold on to that as well. :) Thank goodness for the tools I have learned through TOH and thank goodness for my Angel Sisters!! :) Love ya!
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