October October October

Guess what.... It's October!  Like my subject line didn't give that away?  Not like nobody knows anyway.

October is usually the beginning of the difficult months for me with missing Mom.  My birthday is next week and I try hard to look forward to it and enjoy my "birthday month", but I do find myself slowly slipping down.  It sucks!!  I do have to say that I am quite proud of myself as most of the time those bad, sad, feelings do not last for a long length of time like they used to.  They used to consume me from October through February, but now I have moments instead of days, weeks, months.   Definitely a positive improvement.

I feel bad that I do not write in this blog much.  But then again nobody reads it so no real reason to feel bad.  Ha ha  

There has been so much going on lately.  I am finding myself exhausted (not that it means I sleep much).  Lots of great things and then some bad too of course.  It can never seem to be all good and there is always stress in life.  Keep hoping that once Pat retires in 2014 and once everything is over (graduations, weddings, retirement, hopefully moving) maybe then the stress will all just lift like a fog and finally life will be 99% great!  One can hope anyway, right?!?

There are so many changes going on around me and even with me.  Trying to decide if they are all good or not, but I guess in the end it is what it is and will turn out to be what needed to happen.  Have had some friends basically walk out of my life lately for various reasons I suppose.  I guess in the end if it was that easy to walk away perhaps they were never truly friends to begin with?   Just hurts sometimes.   I didn't do anything to any of them for them to walk away.  Life just changed for some of them and I guess I wasn't important enough for them to keep me as part of their lives.  
Then I came to many of my own conclusions about "friends".  I put that in quotations as I have come to realize that some people that would call me a friend really aren't friends.  They are acquaintances which is fine but I hate when people try to say that it's something it isn't.  
So I am now making changes in my life when it comes to friendships and removing those that are one sided friends and only bother with me when it's convenient for them or they need something from me.   Who needs that, right?!?
No place to go but up as far as I'm concerned.

I have a wonderful husband who is my very best friend.  He retires in less than a year and I can't wait to spend my time with him every day.  We make each other laugh, can talk for hours without it ever getting old, enjoy doing tons of stuff together, etc.....  He supports me in anything I want to do.   I could not ask for a better man.   I love you Pat!!

Anyway, I am just rambling on about a nothing in particular.  Just thought I would check in.  Some day, when I'm gone maybe my kids will want to read this stuff so here it is.  LOL!!!   Until next time which could mean months down the road the way I go.  LOL!!!

Loss & other things

We buried my Grandmom on Thursday.  Was a very tough day and yet another one that made me realize how quickly a family can shrink.  I have lost so many people in the past 9 years or so that it's just crazy.  Of course, Grandmom's passing wasn't something we didn't expect considering she was 93 years old, but still never easy.   She was the matriarch of my Mom's side of the family.   I think part of me never believed she could actually die.  But of course that is silly thinking and the reality of it all is that everyone does die eventually.   Just so glad that she had such a long life unlike Mom did.   They are together now creating chaos I am sure!!   RIP Grandmom.  You will be forever loved & missed!

As for the other things..............   I love my life!   I have a wonderful husband who is my whole world.  Awesome kids & grandkids.   Yes, I am truly blessed despite the losses I have had in my life.
I have made the decision that my life is just too good to spend it miserable, depressed and harping on the losses in it.   So I am adopting a new, positive attitude.  Do not get me wrong, things will happen in life that will still make me sad, bring me down, challenge me, etc...   but I am making the choice to meet those challenges head on with as positive as an outlook as I possibly can.   I do know some things will be virtually impossible to be positive about, so at this point hoping none of those come my way any time soon again.

My positive note for the day, do not surround yourself with negative people or those full of drama.  It just drains you in the end.   Positive outlook on life gives you energy & makes you feel good.  Embrace it!!

Year and a half

Can't believe it's been about a year and a half since I actually wrote on here.  I am so bad about this.  I always promise to do better, but I know it won't happen.  Maybe this time?!?  LOL   Doubt it!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote (October 2011).  Britney graduated cosmetology school last June and is now working at a salon.  She has moved out now too.   My girl is all grown up.  Wow!
Ashley is in her 2nd year of college and is engaged!!  We are planning a wedding for September 2014.  Unbelievable.  Also all grown up!
Our oldest grandson, Gian will be 5 on Monday!  Branden will be 5 in June.  Tristan turned 3 in November. Nicco turned 3 in February and Neelie will be 2 in April!   They are all growing up so fast.

Since the last time I wrote, I became a facilitator for Tapestries of Hope (will be referred to from now on as TOH).  It has felt good to help others that have lost their Mom's over the last year or so.  I enjoy giving back and helping others.  
The loss of Mom still hurts and I have come to realize it always will.  I have good & bad days which will always be the case.  It was 7 years on February 19th that she has been gone now.  Can't believe it has been that long already.  Still feels like yesterday some days!

That past year or so has been quite a rollercoaster ride in so many ways.  There have been a lot of changes in our lives.   I am trying to accept that I do not always have control of things around me and I need to just let things be what they are.  Not an easy one for a control freak like me.  Well I am not a complete control freak, but I have major anxiety if things aren't just so.  I'm a planner and I like to know that things are organized & falling where they should.   I want to make sure my kids are on the right path, will be secure in their futures, etc.....  But I can not control everything so I need to let it go and just breathe.   There I go again, reminding myself to breathe!!

Well that is enough for now.  It was a little update at least.  I will do my best to post more often.  Shall see how that goes.  LOL

Guess Who Is Back.....

Guess who is back?!?  Well, not necessarily but was talking about blogs tonight and figured I would come back and check mine out.  ha ha    Maybe I will stick around for awhile?!?  We shall see.  Update tomorrow on life since last post.  :)

It's That Time Again.....

Wondering how it's possible to be so happy and have so much joy in life, but still have those horrible moments of missing Mom. It starts for me every single year around my birthday (coming this weekend) and then follows me through the holidays, other birthdays (including Moms) and right to February for the anniversary of her passing. As each year passes, I think to myself that this is the year that it will be better. Then, BAM!!! There it is again, tormenting me just the same as the previous year!


I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, but this time of year I still can't shake the sadness that overtakes me.   Wondering when this will end.  Will this go on for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, forever?!?    It has been almost 6 years now!  It still feels like it was yesterday.  :(   


Time to remind myself to breathe...........

Not just reminding myself to breathe anymore..

Tonight was the viewing for Eileen's Mom.  Everything was beautifully done in purple and dragonflies.  However, no matter how beautiful it all was, it does not change the fact that she is gone.  Beautiful tributes are a wonderful thing, but it's all overshadowed by the pain of everyone in the room.

My heart breaks for Eileen and what she is going through.  I know it all too well.  I don't wish this pain on anyone!   Standing on the other side of it this time, I realize that it's no better.  I hurt tremendously for her.  I want to take her pain away and make everything better.  It's such a helpless feeling.  I do not like seeing loved ones in pain like this.   I never want anyone to have to feel the pain of losing their Mom and especially at such a young age.  It's all so unfair.  :(

I guess the best I can do is remind her to breathe.  I still have to remind myself of that so many days.  Now, I will remind her to breathe along with me.  We now share a bond that I wish we did not.  I wish she did not have to go through this!!

Breathe...................

Tears

It has been awhile since I have written.  I seem to go in spurts with things like this.  I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.

Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart.  I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family.  Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago.  The loss of her mother.  Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS????  If not, there it is.  It sucks!!!!  

Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days......  They all jumble together when you reach this point.   I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me.   It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.  

Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone.  It is so hard though.  I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this.  The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now.  I cry for my daughter-in-law.  I cry for her lovely Mom.  I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom.  I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers.  I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily.    I cry for a world that just is not fair.  Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.

I am angry!  Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same.  I want to scream!  It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option.  So, I sit here crying instead.  Tears of sadness.  Tears of total frustration.  Tears of anger.  Tears of loss.  Tears that seem to never end.   :(

Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek.  So many tears............