Not just reminding myself to breathe anymore..

Tonight was the viewing for Eileen's Mom.  Everything was beautifully done in purple and dragonflies.  However, no matter how beautiful it all was, it does not change the fact that she is gone.  Beautiful tributes are a wonderful thing, but it's all overshadowed by the pain of everyone in the room.

My heart breaks for Eileen and what she is going through.  I know it all too well.  I don't wish this pain on anyone!   Standing on the other side of it this time, I realize that it's no better.  I hurt tremendously for her.  I want to take her pain away and make everything better.  It's such a helpless feeling.  I do not like seeing loved ones in pain like this.   I never want anyone to have to feel the pain of losing their Mom and especially at such a young age.  It's all so unfair.  :(

I guess the best I can do is remind her to breathe.  I still have to remind myself of that so many days.  Now, I will remind her to breathe along with me.  We now share a bond that I wish we did not.  I wish she did not have to go through this!!

Breathe...................

Tears

It has been awhile since I have written.  I seem to go in spurts with things like this.  I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.

Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart.  I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family.  Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago.  The loss of her mother.  Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS????  If not, there it is.  It sucks!!!!  

Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days......  They all jumble together when you reach this point.   I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me.   It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.  

Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone.  It is so hard though.  I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this.  The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now.  I cry for my daughter-in-law.  I cry for her lovely Mom.  I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom.  I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers.  I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily.    I cry for a world that just is not fair.  Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.

I am angry!  Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same.  I want to scream!  It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option.  So, I sit here crying instead.  Tears of sadness.  Tears of total frustration.  Tears of anger.  Tears of loss.  Tears that seem to never end.   :(

Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek.  So many tears............

Working on ME!

I am working on ME for a change.  Doesn't happen often, but right now it's necessary.   I am trying to get healthy.  I haven't cared much about that over the years.  Honestly, haven't cared at all about that since losing Mom 5 years ago.  I am realizing though that it's necessary if I want to be around to see my grandkids grow up.  Although, Mom was pretty healthy and still never got to see her grandkids grow up.   :(     Hoping it will be different for me.  

I began a diet plan a few weeks ago.  In the first two weeks, I lost almost 9.6 pounds.  Hoping I can keep this up as I have a long way to go and I know it!   I have now begun implementing some regular exercise in as well.  I personally hate regimented exercise, but I know it's part of getting healthy.

I am also attempting to stress a bit less.  I will admit though that I'm not very good at that.  I have always been one to stress and worry over everything.   Very hard, at my age, to change the way I have always been.   But, I am working hard to relax a bit more.  I am also one of those people that is very organized with most things and any time I run into a situation that is not well organized and planned, it drives me crazy.   I need to realize that the reality of life is just that it's not always the way I expect it to be.

There is so much coming up here.  We are a month away from Ashley's graduation from high school.  So hard to believe that she is going to be a college student soon!   I have her party to plan and then a week after that one I am having a party of my own here.   What was I thinking??  Ha ha.    I wasn't, I'm sure.

So, hoping this new plan to work on ME will turn out good and will last.  I know it's about time that I do more for myself as it has never been about me and always about my family & kids.  I guess taking a little bit of time for myself isn't something I should feel bad about.  

Perspective

Sometimes it takes something major to put things into perspective for people.   I just had my eyes opened or re-opened.   I have been stressing most of the day today filling out financial forms and things like that for Ashley's college.   I gave myself a migraine over the stress & worry of it all.   But now I sit here thinking "how silly is that?".    There is so much worse in the world.  How can I allow something so minor to become such a major source of stress for me??   I am dieting and miserable..... but again, how can I allow this to make me miserable?

A friend from my childhood is battling for her life.  She is battling to be able to watch her two beautiful daughters grow up.  She has been writing some very insightful things and I can't help but feel awful that I have allowed silly little things stress me out.   I take so much for granted and was reminded by her writings that I should not do that.  It's unacceptable!    I need to do better.  I need to be better.

I mourn the loss of my Mom every single day.  Even that seems so minor on days like this.  My Mom got to see me grow up, get married, have children of my own.  Some people don't even get that much in life.  What if I had lost my Mom when I was just a little girl?!?   I am so grateful that I had my Mom for 36 years!  It is better than only a few or none at all!    Now, I am not saying that I won't ever mourn my Mom again after this. Of course I will.  I will still have those horrible moments of missing her terribly and being angry that she is not here to watch my girls becoming adults, marrying, having babies, etc....  But, at the end of the day, I must be grateful for the time and relationship that we did have.   Mom was my best friend.  We shared everything.  I have no regrets when it comes to our relationship and I am so thankful for that!  I couldn't have changed one thing or done it differently.  She knows how much I loved and love her still.  She knows that she was my best friend and that all we shared meant the world to me!  At the end of the day, that is what I can be happy for.

My advice for the day.... don't take what you have for granted.  Hug your loved ones a little tighter.  Take time to enjoy the little things in life.  Don't brush someone or something off with the the thought that you will get to it another day.  Another day may not come.  Smile more and frown less!  Enjoy the life you have been given as you never know when that life can be changed or taken away!

It's all a matter of perspective......

Trying...... Doing.....

Trying.....    That is what I do every day.  Try to not be stressed.  Try to relax.  Try to not let things & people get to me.  Seems all I do is try, try, try.   I would love to do, do , do!  Ugh!!     I know it's my problem and only I can make myself do these things, but darn, sometimes people just do not help matters!

The Good:
     Our first granddaughter was born on Thursday night.  Neelie entered the world at 6:51 pm on 4/14/11.  She is perfect in every way.  Such a stunning baby.  Of course, I am quite biased and thought every single one of my grandbabies were perfect & stunning!   She was 8lbs. 13 ozs.  and 21 inches long.  Precious little angel!!

Honestly, is there anything more precious than a baby?!?

I could look at that precious face forever and when I do, I feel such peace.  Babies have a way of making the rest of the world a bit better.   Now, if I could just carry the image of her precious face with me every moment of every day, I would not have a care in the world.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

I can be going along daily with nothing in particular bothering me and then out of the blue I find myself annoyed over the stupidest things.  Yes, I know they are stupid, but allow myself to get caught up in them anyway.   Why do I do that to myself???   Sometimes I wish there were a delete button in life.  Yes, unfortunately there are people and things I would kill to press delete on.  I wonder if that makes me a bad person?!?   I have always prided myself on being a lot like my Mom, caring and compassionate.   Some days though, I can't help but wonder am I truly those things?!?   Perhaps stuff from my life has just made it impossible to always be those things?!?   I don't know, but I do wish it was easier to feel caring and compassionate every minute of the day.   I am trying!!   I know, I know, I need to DO!!

I would love to ask my Mom how she managed to deal with things in life without it ever seeming as if she were overly stressed.  I know she had to have had stress in her life, but she was so strong and never seemed to let it affect her.  I wish I could be more like my Mom!   I try hard to be, but I can't help but think I am failing miserably somedays.

Please don't get me wrong when reading this blog.  I am not a 24/7 miserable person, although many of my entries would lead you to believe that.  I guess I tend to write the most when I am feeling down, upset, made, frustrated.  Writing has always been an outlet for me.  I should try to write more when I am in a great mood so you would all know that I truly am not a miserable person.   I am actually pretty funny, kind, silly, etc..  Just not when I write here it seems as I am usually writing out of frustration.   I will try to do better.  Story of my life... trying to do better!

Mind On Overload

Spring is upon us. Flowers are being planted. Birds are visiting the feeder out front. Oh how I love to watch the birds on the feeder. Reminds me, I do need more bird seed.....

Hoping that Spring will bring me a renewed sense of being or something. The last few weeks have had me spinning... or my head spinning, I suppose. I have not been sleeping well, which is nothing new for this lifelong insomniac! We have a cold that keeps circling our house and at one point or another over the last couple of months we have all been sick over and over again. Ugh!! I think it's clearing again and sure hope it goes away for good this time!

There has been so much on my mind lately. Worry sucks and I seem to worry about everything. Some would say that worry is no good, even a sin, but it is what it is. I'm not one to "put it in God's hands" as many would tell me to do. I don't think he is going to lend us money for my daughter's college tuition or for my other daughter's tech. tuition?!? Would be happy if he could fix this car that has been in my garage for 2 months now so Ashley would finally have a car again!! Of course, those are just the tip of the iceberg to what is on my mind. Some things I can not put here, but let's just say that my mind is in overdrive and sometimes I feel as if my head is about to burst! I need a break. A break from what, I don't know.... Just a break.

Then again, I should consider myself lucky as things could be so much worse. We all at least have our health and for that, I am very thankful!

I have a feeling this blog post will be all over the place. Then again, that is quite normal as well for me, isn't it?!?

It amazes me how many bodies can fit in this one chair I'm in right now. I am not alone in it, but sharing it with 3 of my 4 dogs. LOL Wonder if they could get much closer to me? Who am I to complain. At least they give me unconditional love. Not many other beings in this world will give you that. Unconditional love is something to be very happy about. So, they can take up the whole chair anytime they want!

I have so much on my mind that I'm not even sure how to put most of it into words here. I have a headache too, which I guess is a result of all that is on my mind. How much can one mind actually hold? I suppose it can hold a lot as mine always has a lot in it. Beginning to wonder if being a homemaker is best for me?!? Leaves me with a lot of time to myself and a lot of time to have things racing through my head. Might not be a great thing! Hmmmmm, guess that is something else to think about. As if I have room for one more thing in my head?!?

I have found myself needing my Mom so much more lately. I guess when things are going on in my life, I really need to talk to Mom. I need her to help me sort through things and tell me that things will work out in the end. I need to be able to vent to her over the things that are bothering me. She was always great at listening to me. God I miss my best friend so much!!!

I would love to laugh! I have not laughed hard in a long time. Even when I am feeling pretty happy something always happens to bring me right back down. I need a day where nothing goes wrong, no stress presents itself and I can truly laugh until I cry. I really hate that I have accepted that this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I can't help but wonder if this is everyone's normal and that I just don't see others feeling like this?!? I know everyone has stresses in their lives, but I truly feel that every day is so full of stress for me. That can't be normal, can it?!? My mind is on overload, obviously. Sigh...... I need a vacation!!

Scream!!!!

Sometimes life has a way of knocking you on your ass when you just don't expect it to do that! I'm having one of those moments. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't stay happy and stress free. Then again, I don't think I am EVER stress free, but at times the load is just soooo heavy that I feel I can't carry it. It's times like this where I need my Mom so badly. I hate that she is not here!! I need to talk to her, ask her for some advice and just be able to vent to her. My heart is truly broken that she is not here.

Not much else to say right now. I just want to scream, so figured I would type a good scream instead since people are sleeping in the house and I can't really scream! SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

That is all....