Loss & other things

We buried my Grandmom on Thursday.  Was a very tough day and yet another one that made me realize how quickly a family can shrink.  I have lost so many people in the past 9 years or so that it's just crazy.  Of course, Grandmom's passing wasn't something we didn't expect considering she was 93 years old, but still never easy.   She was the matriarch of my Mom's side of the family.   I think part of me never believed she could actually die.  But of course that is silly thinking and the reality of it all is that everyone does die eventually.   Just so glad that she had such a long life unlike Mom did.   They are together now creating chaos I am sure!!   RIP Grandmom.  You will be forever loved & missed!

As for the other things..............   I love my life!   I have a wonderful husband who is my whole world.  Awesome kids & grandkids.   Yes, I am truly blessed despite the losses I have had in my life.
I have made the decision that my life is just too good to spend it miserable, depressed and harping on the losses in it.   So I am adopting a new, positive attitude.  Do not get me wrong, things will happen in life that will still make me sad, bring me down, challenge me, etc...   but I am making the choice to meet those challenges head on with as positive as an outlook as I possibly can.   I do know some things will be virtually impossible to be positive about, so at this point hoping none of those come my way any time soon again.

My positive note for the day, do not surround yourself with negative people or those full of drama.  It just drains you in the end.   Positive outlook on life gives you energy & makes you feel good.  Embrace it!!

Year and a half

Can't believe it's been about a year and a half since I actually wrote on here.  I am so bad about this.  I always promise to do better, but I know it won't happen.  Maybe this time?!?  LOL   Doubt it!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote (October 2011).  Britney graduated cosmetology school last June and is now working at a salon.  She has moved out now too.   My girl is all grown up.  Wow!
Ashley is in her 2nd year of college and is engaged!!  We are planning a wedding for September 2014.  Unbelievable.  Also all grown up!
Our oldest grandson, Gian will be 5 on Monday!  Branden will be 5 in June.  Tristan turned 3 in November. Nicco turned 3 in February and Neelie will be 2 in April!   They are all growing up so fast.

Since the last time I wrote, I became a facilitator for Tapestries of Hope (will be referred to from now on as TOH).  It has felt good to help others that have lost their Mom's over the last year or so.  I enjoy giving back and helping others.  
The loss of Mom still hurts and I have come to realize it always will.  I have good & bad days which will always be the case.  It was 7 years on February 19th that she has been gone now.  Can't believe it has been that long already.  Still feels like yesterday some days!

That past year or so has been quite a rollercoaster ride in so many ways.  There have been a lot of changes in our lives.   I am trying to accept that I do not always have control of things around me and I need to just let things be what they are.  Not an easy one for a control freak like me.  Well I am not a complete control freak, but I have major anxiety if things aren't just so.  I'm a planner and I like to know that things are organized & falling where they should.   I want to make sure my kids are on the right path, will be secure in their futures, etc.....  But I can not control everything so I need to let it go and just breathe.   There I go again, reminding myself to breathe!!

Well that is enough for now.  It was a little update at least.  I will do my best to post more often.  Shall see how that goes.  LOL

Guess Who Is Back.....

Guess who is back?!?  Well, not necessarily but was talking about blogs tonight and figured I would come back and check mine out.  ha ha    Maybe I will stick around for awhile?!?  We shall see.  Update tomorrow on life since last post.  :)

It's That Time Again.....

Wondering how it's possible to be so happy and have so much joy in life, but still have those horrible moments of missing Mom. It starts for me every single year around my birthday (coming this weekend) and then follows me through the holidays, other birthdays (including Moms) and right to February for the anniversary of her passing. As each year passes, I think to myself that this is the year that it will be better. Then, BAM!!! There it is again, tormenting me just the same as the previous year!


I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, but this time of year I still can't shake the sadness that overtakes me.   Wondering when this will end.  Will this go on for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, forever?!?    It has been almost 6 years now!  It still feels like it was yesterday.  :(   


Time to remind myself to breathe...........

Not just reminding myself to breathe anymore..

Tonight was the viewing for Eileen's Mom.  Everything was beautifully done in purple and dragonflies.  However, no matter how beautiful it all was, it does not change the fact that she is gone.  Beautiful tributes are a wonderful thing, but it's all overshadowed by the pain of everyone in the room.

My heart breaks for Eileen and what she is going through.  I know it all too well.  I don't wish this pain on anyone!   Standing on the other side of it this time, I realize that it's no better.  I hurt tremendously for her.  I want to take her pain away and make everything better.  It's such a helpless feeling.  I do not like seeing loved ones in pain like this.   I never want anyone to have to feel the pain of losing their Mom and especially at such a young age.  It's all so unfair.  :(

I guess the best I can do is remind her to breathe.  I still have to remind myself of that so many days.  Now, I will remind her to breathe along with me.  We now share a bond that I wish we did not.  I wish she did not have to go through this!!

Breathe...................

Tears

It has been awhile since I have written.  I seem to go in spurts with things like this.  I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.

Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart.  I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family.  Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago.  The loss of her mother.  Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS????  If not, there it is.  It sucks!!!!  

Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days......  They all jumble together when you reach this point.   I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me.   It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.  

Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone.  It is so hard though.  I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this.  The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now.  I cry for my daughter-in-law.  I cry for her lovely Mom.  I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom.  I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers.  I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily.    I cry for a world that just is not fair.  Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.

I am angry!  Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same.  I want to scream!  It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option.  So, I sit here crying instead.  Tears of sadness.  Tears of total frustration.  Tears of anger.  Tears of loss.  Tears that seem to never end.   :(

Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek.  So many tears............

Working on ME!

I am working on ME for a change.  Doesn't happen often, but right now it's necessary.   I am trying to get healthy.  I haven't cared much about that over the years.  Honestly, haven't cared at all about that since losing Mom 5 years ago.  I am realizing though that it's necessary if I want to be around to see my grandkids grow up.  Although, Mom was pretty healthy and still never got to see her grandkids grow up.   :(     Hoping it will be different for me.  

I began a diet plan a few weeks ago.  In the first two weeks, I lost almost 9.6 pounds.  Hoping I can keep this up as I have a long way to go and I know it!   I have now begun implementing some regular exercise in as well.  I personally hate regimented exercise, but I know it's part of getting healthy.

I am also attempting to stress a bit less.  I will admit though that I'm not very good at that.  I have always been one to stress and worry over everything.   Very hard, at my age, to change the way I have always been.   But, I am working hard to relax a bit more.  I am also one of those people that is very organized with most things and any time I run into a situation that is not well organized and planned, it drives me crazy.   I need to realize that the reality of life is just that it's not always the way I expect it to be.

There is so much coming up here.  We are a month away from Ashley's graduation from high school.  So hard to believe that she is going to be a college student soon!   I have her party to plan and then a week after that one I am having a party of my own here.   What was I thinking??  Ha ha.    I wasn't, I'm sure.

So, hoping this new plan to work on ME will turn out good and will last.  I know it's about time that I do more for myself as it has never been about me and always about my family & kids.  I guess taking a little bit of time for myself isn't something I should feel bad about.