Trying to remind myself to breathe still.....

Have not posted in here in forever.  I tried a paid blog for about a year which is probably why.  I don't write enough to justify paying so here I am again to write sometimes or not....

Things suck.  My Dad has passed away.  He died on March 20th.  He was only 72!!  So I lost my Mom when she was only 59 and my Dad 12 years later at 72.   It truly sucks.  I did not expect to have no parents left at my age. 

I am trying so hard to be ok and not completely fall apart, but this is so hard.  I never imagined it would be this hard.  I thought I was more prepared this time, but quickly realized there is no such thing as being prepared to lose your parent.  I talked to Dad almost daily.  The realization that those calls will no longer come and that I can no longer call him is very tough! 
I miss my Dad so much!!!

Anyway, that's it for now.......

2 years 5 months later

So my last blog post had said that it could be months before I would write again.  2 years and 5 months later here I am.  Ha ha ha  
Wish I could say I would get better at this and I always have such good intentions but then I just do not do it.  Follow through seems to be a rough thing for me.   I don't remember being like this when I was younger.   I followed through with everything.  I was among top percent of my high school class, involved in many activities, had jobs that I was good at, etc......  Not sure where I started to go wrong.  Although I am still a very reliable person.  Just not good at keeping up with writing like I should.

By now I was supposed to have published a book.  Maybe two, three or even more published.  I kept telling everyone that when we retired I would definitely do it.  Here we are 1 1/2 years into retirement and that book is still a distant goal.   Perhaps someday (I will keep telling myself that).  My daughter even commented on something a week or so ago that I had put on Facebook about how I needed to make the goal of being published a reality.   Like I said.... maybe someday.

So Pat retired in October of 2014.  We then relocated to North Carolina from New Jersey that November.   I love my house here in NC.  Picked out and decorated by us.  First house I have actually ever gotten to pick out in my life and completely decorate.  When Pat and I got together he already had a house that his parents actually helped pick out.  As great as it was raising our kids there and living there for 20 years, I never felt it was truly mine.  I didn't pick out the rugs, floors, etc....  I didn't pick the house in any way at all.  Now, I had all of the say in this house.  Pat was good about that.  He knew what I wanted and he made sure he got it for me.  We may have gone a bit bigger than necessary, but it's an awesome house!   Have I mentioned how much I love my husband yet in this post?   If not, well there it is.  He is the absolute best!!   He would have to be to put up with me the way he does.  I am not the easiest person in the world to love.  Ha ha

So anyway, here we are, retired & living in NC.   It's a nice, quiet existence.  For example right now I have soothing spa music playing in the house, windows are all wide open, sun is shining, birds are chirping and I am very relaxed.   Pat is at his part time job.  He decided to take a part time job even though he is now retired just so we would have some extra spending money.  He is awesome and that job enables us to eat out much more than I have to cook.  Ha ha   Can't beat that!!
We are so lucky to have 3 of our 5 kids here too.  When we were planning the move only Tony & his family were here.   The girls both ended up coming too when we moved which made us very happy.  We do miss our remaining kids, grandkids & other family that are in NJ, but luckily, NJ is only a 6 hour drive for us.   We are empty nesters now as none of our kids are living at home.  It's definitely a bit strange, especially when we chose such a big house.  But the house is great for entertaining and having all of the family over.   We were also very happy that my brother, Kevin, his wife & their little girl decided to relocate here as well about 7 months ago or so.  Our family in NC is growing!

So more stuff from the last 2 years and 5 months that has happened since my last post on the blog....

We have a new granddaughter.  Her name is Natalie and she was born this past November.  She is adorable.  Sadly we have not gotten to meet her in person yet as she is in NJ and we did not get back there over the winter.  We do plan to go very soon now that the weather is breaking.  No way were we travelling during the winter to NJ where they had snow.  We hate snow.  But I can not wait to hold that sweet little girl!
My brother Kevin & his wife Julie had a little girl.  Her name is Lorelai and they gave her our Mom's middle name of Merilyn.  She is about 19 months old now.  Love her to death.  Such a smart, sweet little girl.   All of our other grandkids are growing like weeds.  Our oldest turns 8 next week!  Unbelievable!

Anyone who knows me knows that I was always obsessed with my bird feeders and watching birds on them, taking photos, etc....   Well I decided it was a great idea since I loved birds so much to get a couple in house birds.  I have now been the proud owner of two conures for the past almost 2 years.  They are something else.  Some days I feel like my nerves may be shot with their constant "yelling" (they are doing it right now).  But I adore them just the same.  They are so cool.  I love their quieter sounds they make and love how they will mimic sounds I make.  They say that they can be taught some words but so far mine refuse to speak that way.  It's ok, they are still cute.  Ha ha

We lost our oldest dog, Patch, a few months ago.  He was 15.  It was so sad and I still find myself many days thinking about him and getting sad all over again.  We still have 3 dogs (Bella, Rajah & Zoey).  Bella is 10 now, Rajah is turning 9 this month and Zoey will be 7 in June.   Love all of my animal babies.  Thinking of adding a Bengal cat next.  Ha ha ha    Yep, let's just turn my big house into a zoo since it's void of people.  Ha ha

My husband had a heart attack this past August.  Was the very worst thing in the world.  We were all so scared.  We never saw it coming.  He and I had been working really hard at getting healthy and had both lost around 40 pounds through changing our eating habits and lots of exercise.  Then one morning.... BOOM!   After all was said and done the doctor told us that had I not gotten him to the hospital when I did (we weren't really 100% sure he was having a heart attack at the time or something else), he would have died that day!  He had a 100% blockage in one of his main arteries and some other blockages in others.   Happy to say he is doing very well now.

My father has also been giving us quite the scare this past year.  He has had two heart attacks in the last 6 months or so.  His cancer has also returned and now we are waiting on results to see if his treatments for that worked or not.  For those that pray, I would appreciate prayers for my Dad.  For those that do not pray, good thoughts always appreciated.   Hoping the treatments worked and hoping his heart will get stronger after the heart attacks.

Well that is the short version of the catch up for the last couple of years.  I know I have missed tons, but I'm sure I will catch up with all of that too at some point.  Some stories aren't mine to tell either with the catch up on the last years.

I have challenged myself to read more this year.  I had originally given myself a goal of 25 books for 2016.  However, I have now read 16 already in 2016 so thinking I will crush that goal.  I have been enjoying my reading.  Now if I could just get on track with my writing that would be great!

Write later and hopefully that doesn't mean a couple of years later.....  Ha ha ha ha ha

October October October

Guess what.... It's October!  Like my subject line didn't give that away?  Not like nobody knows anyway.

October is usually the beginning of the difficult months for me with missing Mom.  My birthday is next week and I try hard to look forward to it and enjoy my "birthday month", but I do find myself slowly slipping down.  It sucks!!  I do have to say that I am quite proud of myself as most of the time those bad, sad, feelings do not last for a long length of time like they used to.  They used to consume me from October through February, but now I have moments instead of days, weeks, months.   Definitely a positive improvement.

I feel bad that I do not write in this blog much.  But then again nobody reads it so no real reason to feel bad.  Ha ha  

There has been so much going on lately.  I am finding myself exhausted (not that it means I sleep much).  Lots of great things and then some bad too of course.  It can never seem to be all good and there is always stress in life.  Keep hoping that once Pat retires in 2014 and once everything is over (graduations, weddings, retirement, hopefully moving) maybe then the stress will all just lift like a fog and finally life will be 99% great!  One can hope anyway, right?!?

There are so many changes going on around me and even with me.  Trying to decide if they are all good or not, but I guess in the end it is what it is and will turn out to be what needed to happen.  Have had some friends basically walk out of my life lately for various reasons I suppose.  I guess in the end if it was that easy to walk away perhaps they were never truly friends to begin with?   Just hurts sometimes.   I didn't do anything to any of them for them to walk away.  Life just changed for some of them and I guess I wasn't important enough for them to keep me as part of their lives.  
Then I came to many of my own conclusions about "friends".  I put that in quotations as I have come to realize that some people that would call me a friend really aren't friends.  They are acquaintances which is fine but I hate when people try to say that it's something it isn't.  
So I am now making changes in my life when it comes to friendships and removing those that are one sided friends and only bother with me when it's convenient for them or they need something from me.   Who needs that, right?!?
No place to go but up as far as I'm concerned.

I have a wonderful husband who is my very best friend.  He retires in less than a year and I can't wait to spend my time with him every day.  We make each other laugh, can talk for hours without it ever getting old, enjoy doing tons of stuff together, etc.....  He supports me in anything I want to do.   I could not ask for a better man.   I love you Pat!!

Anyway, I am just rambling on about a nothing in particular.  Just thought I would check in.  Some day, when I'm gone maybe my kids will want to read this stuff so here it is.  LOL!!!   Until next time which could mean months down the road the way I go.  LOL!!!

Loss & other things

We buried my Grandmom on Thursday.  Was a very tough day and yet another one that made me realize how quickly a family can shrink.  I have lost so many people in the past 9 years or so that it's just crazy.  Of course, Grandmom's passing wasn't something we didn't expect considering she was 93 years old, but still never easy.   She was the matriarch of my Mom's side of the family.   I think part of me never believed she could actually die.  But of course that is silly thinking and the reality of it all is that everyone does die eventually.   Just so glad that she had such a long life unlike Mom did.   They are together now creating chaos I am sure!!   RIP Grandmom.  You will be forever loved & missed!

As for the other things..............   I love my life!   I have a wonderful husband who is my whole world.  Awesome kids & grandkids.   Yes, I am truly blessed despite the losses I have had in my life.
I have made the decision that my life is just too good to spend it miserable, depressed and harping on the losses in it.   So I am adopting a new, positive attitude.  Do not get me wrong, things will happen in life that will still make me sad, bring me down, challenge me, etc...   but I am making the choice to meet those challenges head on with as positive as an outlook as I possibly can.   I do know some things will be virtually impossible to be positive about, so at this point hoping none of those come my way any time soon again.

My positive note for the day, do not surround yourself with negative people or those full of drama.  It just drains you in the end.   Positive outlook on life gives you energy & makes you feel good.  Embrace it!!

Year and a half

Can't believe it's been about a year and a half since I actually wrote on here.  I am so bad about this.  I always promise to do better, but I know it won't happen.  Maybe this time?!?  LOL   Doubt it!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote (October 2011).  Britney graduated cosmetology school last June and is now working at a salon.  She has moved out now too.   My girl is all grown up.  Wow!
Ashley is in her 2nd year of college and is engaged!!  We are planning a wedding for September 2014.  Unbelievable.  Also all grown up!
Our oldest grandson, Gian will be 5 on Monday!  Branden will be 5 in June.  Tristan turned 3 in November. Nicco turned 3 in February and Neelie will be 2 in April!   They are all growing up so fast.

Since the last time I wrote, I became a facilitator for Tapestries of Hope (will be referred to from now on as TOH).  It has felt good to help others that have lost their Mom's over the last year or so.  I enjoy giving back and helping others.  
The loss of Mom still hurts and I have come to realize it always will.  I have good & bad days which will always be the case.  It was 7 years on February 19th that she has been gone now.  Can't believe it has been that long already.  Still feels like yesterday some days!

That past year or so has been quite a rollercoaster ride in so many ways.  There have been a lot of changes in our lives.   I am trying to accept that I do not always have control of things around me and I need to just let things be what they are.  Not an easy one for a control freak like me.  Well I am not a complete control freak, but I have major anxiety if things aren't just so.  I'm a planner and I like to know that things are organized & falling where they should.   I want to make sure my kids are on the right path, will be secure in their futures, etc.....  But I can not control everything so I need to let it go and just breathe.   There I go again, reminding myself to breathe!!

Well that is enough for now.  It was a little update at least.  I will do my best to post more often.  Shall see how that goes.  LOL

Guess Who Is Back.....

Guess who is back?!?  Well, not necessarily but was talking about blogs tonight and figured I would come back and check mine out.  ha ha    Maybe I will stick around for awhile?!?  We shall see.  Update tomorrow on life since last post.  :)

It's That Time Again.....

Wondering how it's possible to be so happy and have so much joy in life, but still have those horrible moments of missing Mom. It starts for me every single year around my birthday (coming this weekend) and then follows me through the holidays, other birthdays (including Moms) and right to February for the anniversary of her passing. As each year passes, I think to myself that this is the year that it will be better. Then, BAM!!! There it is again, tormenting me just the same as the previous year!


I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, but this time of year I still can't shake the sadness that overtakes me.   Wondering when this will end.  Will this go on for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, forever?!?    It has been almost 6 years now!  It still feels like it was yesterday.  :(   


Time to remind myself to breathe...........

Not just reminding myself to breathe anymore..

Tonight was the viewing for Eileen's Mom.  Everything was beautifully done in purple and dragonflies.  However, no matter how beautiful it all was, it does not change the fact that she is gone.  Beautiful tributes are a wonderful thing, but it's all overshadowed by the pain of everyone in the room.

My heart breaks for Eileen and what she is going through.  I know it all too well.  I don't wish this pain on anyone!   Standing on the other side of it this time, I realize that it's no better.  I hurt tremendously for her.  I want to take her pain away and make everything better.  It's such a helpless feeling.  I do not like seeing loved ones in pain like this.   I never want anyone to have to feel the pain of losing their Mom and especially at such a young age.  It's all so unfair.  :(

I guess the best I can do is remind her to breathe.  I still have to remind myself of that so many days.  Now, I will remind her to breathe along with me.  We now share a bond that I wish we did not.  I wish she did not have to go through this!!

Breathe...................

Tears

It has been awhile since I have written.  I seem to go in spurts with things like this.  I always think of things to write but then get sidetracked with other things.

Tonight, I write with a very heavy heart.  I hurt so badly for my son, PJ, his wife, their children and all of my daughter-in-laws family.  Unfortunately, she is going through what I did just 5 1/2 short years ago.  The loss of her mother.  Have I said lately that Cancer SUCKS????  If not, there it is.  It sucks!!!!  

Her Mom is home on hospice care and it could be any moment now, minutes, hours, days......  They all jumble together when you reach this point.   I remember it all as if it were yesterday for me and the fact that she has to go through this now is just killing me.   It has also brought back all of the raw emotions that I felt those 5 years ago.  

Doing my best to be strong and be there for her, PJ and everyone.  It is so hard though.  I have the tools to get through this and hopefully help them through it too, but how easy it is to forget all of those tools when it is slapping you in the face like this.  The tears I have cried tonight have been more than I have in awhile now.  I cry for my daughter-in-law.  I cry for her lovely Mom.  I cry for those two babies that will grow up without their other MomMom.  I cry for my son who is losing one of his mothers.  I cry for the husband who will now have to learn how to live without his partner, just as my own Dad had to and still learns daily.    I cry for a world that just is not fair.  Loss is inevitable, but at such a young age, it is just a tragedy.

I am angry!  Don't know who I am angry with, but angry all the same.  I want to scream!  It's after midnight, so I don't think screaming is an option.  So, I sit here crying instead.  Tears of sadness.  Tears of total frustration.  Tears of anger.  Tears of loss.  Tears that seem to never end.   :(

Breathing in deep and yet another tear is racing down my cheek.  So many tears............

Working on ME!

I am working on ME for a change.  Doesn't happen often, but right now it's necessary.   I am trying to get healthy.  I haven't cared much about that over the years.  Honestly, haven't cared at all about that since losing Mom 5 years ago.  I am realizing though that it's necessary if I want to be around to see my grandkids grow up.  Although, Mom was pretty healthy and still never got to see her grandkids grow up.   :(     Hoping it will be different for me.  

I began a diet plan a few weeks ago.  In the first two weeks, I lost almost 9.6 pounds.  Hoping I can keep this up as I have a long way to go and I know it!   I have now begun implementing some regular exercise in as well.  I personally hate regimented exercise, but I know it's part of getting healthy.

I am also attempting to stress a bit less.  I will admit though that I'm not very good at that.  I have always been one to stress and worry over everything.   Very hard, at my age, to change the way I have always been.   But, I am working hard to relax a bit more.  I am also one of those people that is very organized with most things and any time I run into a situation that is not well organized and planned, it drives me crazy.   I need to realize that the reality of life is just that it's not always the way I expect it to be.

There is so much coming up here.  We are a month away from Ashley's graduation from high school.  So hard to believe that she is going to be a college student soon!   I have her party to plan and then a week after that one I am having a party of my own here.   What was I thinking??  Ha ha.    I wasn't, I'm sure.

So, hoping this new plan to work on ME will turn out good and will last.  I know it's about time that I do more for myself as it has never been about me and always about my family & kids.  I guess taking a little bit of time for myself isn't something I should feel bad about.  

Perspective

Sometimes it takes something major to put things into perspective for people.   I just had my eyes opened or re-opened.   I have been stressing most of the day today filling out financial forms and things like that for Ashley's college.   I gave myself a migraine over the stress & worry of it all.   But now I sit here thinking "how silly is that?".    There is so much worse in the world.  How can I allow something so minor to become such a major source of stress for me??   I am dieting and miserable..... but again, how can I allow this to make me miserable?

A friend from my childhood is battling for her life.  She is battling to be able to watch her two beautiful daughters grow up.  She has been writing some very insightful things and I can't help but feel awful that I have allowed silly little things stress me out.   I take so much for granted and was reminded by her writings that I should not do that.  It's unacceptable!    I need to do better.  I need to be better.

I mourn the loss of my Mom every single day.  Even that seems so minor on days like this.  My Mom got to see me grow up, get married, have children of my own.  Some people don't even get that much in life.  What if I had lost my Mom when I was just a little girl?!?   I am so grateful that I had my Mom for 36 years!  It is better than only a few or none at all!    Now, I am not saying that I won't ever mourn my Mom again after this. Of course I will.  I will still have those horrible moments of missing her terribly and being angry that she is not here to watch my girls becoming adults, marrying, having babies, etc....  But, at the end of the day, I must be grateful for the time and relationship that we did have.   Mom was my best friend.  We shared everything.  I have no regrets when it comes to our relationship and I am so thankful for that!  I couldn't have changed one thing or done it differently.  She knows how much I loved and love her still.  She knows that she was my best friend and that all we shared meant the world to me!  At the end of the day, that is what I can be happy for.

My advice for the day.... don't take what you have for granted.  Hug your loved ones a little tighter.  Take time to enjoy the little things in life.  Don't brush someone or something off with the the thought that you will get to it another day.  Another day may not come.  Smile more and frown less!  Enjoy the life you have been given as you never know when that life can be changed or taken away!

It's all a matter of perspective......

Trying...... Doing.....

Trying.....    That is what I do every day.  Try to not be stressed.  Try to relax.  Try to not let things & people get to me.  Seems all I do is try, try, try.   I would love to do, do , do!  Ugh!!     I know it's my problem and only I can make myself do these things, but darn, sometimes people just do not help matters!

The Good:
     Our first granddaughter was born on Thursday night.  Neelie entered the world at 6:51 pm on 4/14/11.  She is perfect in every way.  Such a stunning baby.  Of course, I am quite biased and thought every single one of my grandbabies were perfect & stunning!   She was 8lbs. 13 ozs.  and 21 inches long.  Precious little angel!!

Honestly, is there anything more precious than a baby?!?

I could look at that precious face forever and when I do, I feel such peace.  Babies have a way of making the rest of the world a bit better.   Now, if I could just carry the image of her precious face with me every moment of every day, I would not have a care in the world.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

I can be going along daily with nothing in particular bothering me and then out of the blue I find myself annoyed over the stupidest things.  Yes, I know they are stupid, but allow myself to get caught up in them anyway.   Why do I do that to myself???   Sometimes I wish there were a delete button in life.  Yes, unfortunately there are people and things I would kill to press delete on.  I wonder if that makes me a bad person?!?   I have always prided myself on being a lot like my Mom, caring and compassionate.   Some days though, I can't help but wonder am I truly those things?!?   Perhaps stuff from my life has just made it impossible to always be those things?!?   I don't know, but I do wish it was easier to feel caring and compassionate every minute of the day.   I am trying!!   I know, I know, I need to DO!!

I would love to ask my Mom how she managed to deal with things in life without it ever seeming as if she were overly stressed.  I know she had to have had stress in her life, but she was so strong and never seemed to let it affect her.  I wish I could be more like my Mom!   I try hard to be, but I can't help but think I am failing miserably somedays.

Please don't get me wrong when reading this blog.  I am not a 24/7 miserable person, although many of my entries would lead you to believe that.  I guess I tend to write the most when I am feeling down, upset, made, frustrated.  Writing has always been an outlet for me.  I should try to write more when I am in a great mood so you would all know that I truly am not a miserable person.   I am actually pretty funny, kind, silly, etc..  Just not when I write here it seems as I am usually writing out of frustration.   I will try to do better.  Story of my life... trying to do better!

Mind On Overload

Spring is upon us. Flowers are being planted. Birds are visiting the feeder out front. Oh how I love to watch the birds on the feeder. Reminds me, I do need more bird seed.....

Hoping that Spring will bring me a renewed sense of being or something. The last few weeks have had me spinning... or my head spinning, I suppose. I have not been sleeping well, which is nothing new for this lifelong insomniac! We have a cold that keeps circling our house and at one point or another over the last couple of months we have all been sick over and over again. Ugh!! I think it's clearing again and sure hope it goes away for good this time!

There has been so much on my mind lately. Worry sucks and I seem to worry about everything. Some would say that worry is no good, even a sin, but it is what it is. I'm not one to "put it in God's hands" as many would tell me to do. I don't think he is going to lend us money for my daughter's college tuition or for my other daughter's tech. tuition?!? Would be happy if he could fix this car that has been in my garage for 2 months now so Ashley would finally have a car again!! Of course, those are just the tip of the iceberg to what is on my mind. Some things I can not put here, but let's just say that my mind is in overdrive and sometimes I feel as if my head is about to burst! I need a break. A break from what, I don't know.... Just a break.

Then again, I should consider myself lucky as things could be so much worse. We all at least have our health and for that, I am very thankful!

I have a feeling this blog post will be all over the place. Then again, that is quite normal as well for me, isn't it?!?

It amazes me how many bodies can fit in this one chair I'm in right now. I am not alone in it, but sharing it with 3 of my 4 dogs. LOL Wonder if they could get much closer to me? Who am I to complain. At least they give me unconditional love. Not many other beings in this world will give you that. Unconditional love is something to be very happy about. So, they can take up the whole chair anytime they want!

I have so much on my mind that I'm not even sure how to put most of it into words here. I have a headache too, which I guess is a result of all that is on my mind. How much can one mind actually hold? I suppose it can hold a lot as mine always has a lot in it. Beginning to wonder if being a homemaker is best for me?!? Leaves me with a lot of time to myself and a lot of time to have things racing through my head. Might not be a great thing! Hmmmmm, guess that is something else to think about. As if I have room for one more thing in my head?!?

I have found myself needing my Mom so much more lately. I guess when things are going on in my life, I really need to talk to Mom. I need her to help me sort through things and tell me that things will work out in the end. I need to be able to vent to her over the things that are bothering me. She was always great at listening to me. God I miss my best friend so much!!!

I would love to laugh! I have not laughed hard in a long time. Even when I am feeling pretty happy something always happens to bring me right back down. I need a day where nothing goes wrong, no stress presents itself and I can truly laugh until I cry. I really hate that I have accepted that this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I can't help but wonder if this is everyone's normal and that I just don't see others feeling like this?!? I know everyone has stresses in their lives, but I truly feel that every day is so full of stress for me. That can't be normal, can it?!? My mind is on overload, obviously. Sigh...... I need a vacation!!

Scream!!!!

Sometimes life has a way of knocking you on your ass when you just don't expect it to do that! I'm having one of those moments. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't stay happy and stress free. Then again, I don't think I am EVER stress free, but at times the load is just soooo heavy that I feel I can't carry it. It's times like this where I need my Mom so badly. I hate that she is not here!! I need to talk to her, ask her for some advice and just be able to vent to her. My heart is truly broken that she is not here.

Not much else to say right now. I just want to scream, so figured I would type a good scream instead since people are sleeping in the house and I can't really scream! SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

That is all....

Think before you speak!

I am wondering if some people just do not think before they speak (or type when it comes to the internet). A couple of days ago something was said to me that pretty much made me say "What the hell?!?". The more I think about it, the more I do think it was probably meant to be funny or a joke, but it just was not that way to me. Either I need to grow some very thick skin and not let things bother me, or people seriously need to think before they speak or type! I am always so careful when it comes to things like that. I never like to offend or hurt people, but it seems so many just do not care if they do it to others. It is very sad, actually. :(

On a much better note, the sun is shining again. Yay!! It is supposed to be in the high 40's today and then the next couple of days in the 60's. It's definitely a spring tease and then I'm sure we will be back to reality of winter again. I am definitely ready for spring though and so ready for February to be over.

3 more days until the 5th anniversary of Mom's passing. A very sad time. I try so hard to not let it affect me, but the reality of it is, I am affected every single day of my life by Mom's death.

It sucks! :( I cope, but it still hurts like hell!

We are still on the hunt for a new car for Ashley. There is just nothing reasonably priced out there that is in decent condition. Unbelievable what some people want for cars that have super high mileage on them already. I guess everyone is just out to get as much money as possible in this economy. Can't see how most are actually selling their cars though at this rate. I know I wouldn't pay too much for a vehicle that already has like 200,000 miles on it. Crazy! Ha Ha

I am still looking for the patience that I seem to lack these days. Not sure though if it's really me or if others just try my patience too much making me feel as if I have very little these days. Ok, probably a combination of both. I am always a person that puts up with so much though before I reach a breaking point. For some situations, I feel I am at that breaking point though. But, I will continue to try to find my patience instead of allowing myself to be broken. Some people tell me I am just too nice for my own good. Although, I have always felt being good was an excellent trait. These days I am seeing that being too good may not be as it tends to make people walk all over you just because they know they can! Ugh!!! Just not sure I am the kind that can have the F You attitude. Ha Ha Ha!!!! Sometimes wish I was though.

I am noticing that my entries here tend to jump all over the place. Is that a bad thing? Does it mean that I can't concentrate on one thing at a time. Probably, but guess that is me these days. I really wish I could come to my blog with one solid topic in mind and just write about that. It just rarely works out that way, even though I tend to start the blog with one thing in mind. Today it was thinking before you speak or type. Then again, I guess there is only so much you can say about that subject. Some people will never think before they speak or type. Some people just do not have it in them to worry about how their words could affect others. I am actually thankful that I am the kind of person that does try my hardest to take others into consideration before I say or type something. I credit that trait to my Mom. She was a peacemaker and such a sweet, nice woman. I don't think my Mom could have ever hurt a fly (ok, maybe a fly, but let's admit that they are kind of disgusting). Ha Ha!!! I am very proud to be a lot like my Mom. Hopefully I got the best traits from both of my parents to make me who I am today. Although Dad would say that the things I did get from him aren't exactly great things to have. hahaha

Anyway, to sum this all up. People, think before you speak or type please. You never know what your words could do to someone (good & bad). Hurtful things can really make a person sad and ruin what was a good day. Kind words are always so much better as those can actually brighten a person's day. Afterall, would you rather be the kind to brighten or dampen a person's day? Your answer to that question definitely helps define your true character!!!

Un-clenching my fists and other ramblings......

Relaxation.... something that comes pretty easily for most people. As for me, I don't know how to relax, no matter how hard I may try.

When I was going through my group with TOH back in the fall, someone mentioned that when you go to bed at night, make sure you stretch your hands & fingers out and don't have them clenched up into fists. At that time, I thought, who really goes to bed with their hands in fists?!? Well, I do.... I have taken notice to this a lot lately and I do consciously have to remind myself to unclench the fists and stretch out my hands & fingers. I would love to say it helps me relax, but not sure it does. Just find it so strange that now I do remind myself of this every single night and catch myself having to unclench!

Why is it that I can never turn my brain off?!? No matter how hard I try, there is always something going on. I'm always stressing about something. Wish I could just be carefree and not care about things, but that just isn't in my nature. Stress sucks though and I sure could use a lot less of that in my life!!

I said this post would be "other ramblings", so pardon me if I tend to jump all around in it. Sometimes my thought process will jump from one thing to another so quickly that I even surprise myself. I always have so much on my mind that the thoughts come and go sometimes as fast as the speed of light!

In 10 days, on February 19th, it will be the 5th anniversary of my Mom's passing. 5 years! Just to say it is unbelievable. Where have the years gone? How can it be 5 years already when it feels as if I just lost her last week?!? Why am I still finding myself so angry at times?? After 5 years, shouldn't I be better? Stronger? Less prone to the anger and tears?

I still find myself to jealous of those that still have their Moms in their lives. To hear how others make plans with their Moms to go shopping, to lunch, etc..... I am so jealous! Then, there are those with Moms still on this earth but the relationship is strained and they complain constantly about their Mom?!? I do realize that everyone's relationship with their mother is not what I had with mine, but I still find myself so angry at times to hear people talk badly about their own mother. I want to grab them and shake them and remind them that some day they will not have their Mom anymore and that day they may find themselves full of regret for the relationship that is no longer a possibility. Embrace the relationship and your Mom while she is here on earth. If not, I do believe that most will live with so much regret later.

Regret is one thing I can at least say I do not have. Mom and I were best friends. We did everything together. I took care of her until the very end. I have no regret when it comes to our relationship and my Mom. I have lots of longing.... Longing for more time, longing to hear her voice again, longing to see her beautiful face.... Yes, lots of longing, but no regret.

I wish Mom were here for my girls. They need her almost as badly as I do. Mom was their cheerleader, their biggest fan, their biggest supporter in everything. Since Mom's passing, the girls do not have any other strong female figures in their lives. I am all they have in that department. I wish there were others that would support them like she used to, but they have nobody else like her.

On to other ramblings.....

I am soooooo angry!! I am so tired of certain people treating the girls as if they are not important. Especially hurting for Ashley this year. It is her senior year. It is supposed to be such a special time for her and some have taken so much from her happiness this year. First, she got into the accident in December and has been without a car since. We just can't afford to buy her a new car right now and she is trying so hard to save up for one. She is working 2 jobs and going to high school!! Crazy! But as quickly as she starts to save she has to spend the money. She has had to cover 1/2 of her own senior trip and get paid back by her father at his leisure. Last year, Britney did not have to do that. He paid on time for her, but this year Ashley is getting the shaft as she always has from him & that entire side of the family!

Ashley turned 18 on December 29th. Today is February 9th and as of today she has still not gotten any celebration or gift from her father! But he proceeds to tell her how he was taking someone else out (girlfriend's daughter) this past weekend for her birthday that is this week. Does he honestly think this does not hurt his daughter??? Ashley may not say it or show it to him, but I live with her and I get to see the hurt!! Some people truly do not deserve to be parents!! :(

Thank goodness for Pat stepping up all of these years and being a real Daddy to the girls. He supports these girls as if they are his own. He has never missed anything they have done. He has made sure they each got a first car, that we pay our share & more of their school stuff as well as everything else.

Oh well, I guess that is enough complaining about all of that for now. It just gets my blood boiling, which is never a good thing.

On a good note, it hasn't snowed in at least a week and none in the 7 day forecast too. Praying that means that spring is truly on it's way. I need some sunshine and warmth. The winter blues does not help my mood at all! I have also had the worst cold in years this past week or two. I think it is finally loosening it's grip on me, but it sure has made life miserable for awhile now. Today, however, I have been blessed with a nice headache to remind me that stress is no good for me. I really need to find a way to de-stress. It just seems that things come at me so fast. If it's not one thing, it's another. I lack patience these days. Patience is another thing I need to find again.

Sigh..... maybe another day.

Winter sucks!

I am so sick of winter. Bad enough that winter tends to bring on the "winter blues", but the past two winters have been horrible when it comes to the weather. Another storm coming in tomorrow. Seems that we are getting a storm every week and winter is not even close to being over! Ugh!!

Tomorrow is the first day of February. Countdown is on to the 5th anniversary of Mom's death. It sucks! So much died with Mom... hopes, dreams, plans, etc.... Yes, I have picked up and moved forward but I can't help but be sad at times. Oh well, "this too, shall pass". I just keep telling myself that.

Will write more later. Distractions at the moment. Sigh.... Seems there is always some kind of distraction these days.

Laughter is the best medicine!

Last night we had our January "drop-in" for Tapestries of Hope. Tapestries of Hope is a group I now belong to. It is all women who have lost their Moms. When I first got involved back in September, I wasn't sure how I would like it. I had tried Gilda's club about a year and a half after losing Mom and it honestly did nothing for me. I find Tapestries to be quite refreshing as every single woman there knows exactly what it feels like to lose their Mother! It was a wonderful gathering full of food, stories & laughter. Laughter is definitely the best medicine! I do find that I still do not share much, but even listening to others stories helps. Not sure why I don't share that often. Guess I have just always been a pretty closed up, private person. Right or wrong, it is all I know.

The discussion last night turned to what the hardest times seem to be for most of the women. From birthday to holidays to the anniversary of their Mom's deaths. While I do have moments in each of those things, I find my toughest times to be the milestones that involve my girls. Sometimes even just the normal things with my girls, like when Britney has a performance. When she is up on stage, along with my pride for her, I always miss Mom so terribly. Mom loved Britney's singing and it makes me sad that she did not get to see it past Britney young teens. She hasn't been here to see the development of her voice into a woman's voice and how beautiful her singing became over the years. :(

Then there are the milestones.... Ashley's 18th birthday in December was one of those. I remember the awful sadness that came over me that day and I wasn't even sure why I was feeling it. It was supposed to be a happy day. We had a big party for her and I remember at points during it I found myself just sitting there staring off into space. Mom missed Ashley becoming a woman and it makes me angry. Britney's graduation last year was tough and I have a feeling that Ashley's graduation this June is going to be even worse since she is the baby of the family! I want Mom there so badly! Mom was the girls' biggest fan, biggest supporter, biggest everything. I miss that for them. Mom would be the proudest person sitting in the stands when Ashley gets her diploma. It really sucks that she is not here!!!

The 5th anniversary of Mom's passing is coming up on February 19th. I keep thinking that after 5 years, it should be easier. This should all be easier, but sometimes it just isn't. While I do function normally day to day, there is always that empty spot. Do I spend my days crying? Of course not, although I do have plenty of times where the tears come easily. I just feel as if I walk around every single day still feeling so heavy in the chest. That weight is still there, crushing me and making it hard to breathe! But, I am determined to keep breathing!!

Thank you to my "Angel Sisters" for the wonderful evening last night. Laughter truly is the best medicine and I do appreciate each and every one of you for bringing some of that to my life! :)

Reminding Myself to Breathe!

Is it bad when sometimes I find myself actually reminding myself to breathe?!?

Some days it just seems that I can't catch my breath. It's as if a big weight has been placed on my chest and I just can't get it off. It's a combination of stress & grief, I suppose.

I miss my Mom! I would like to say that after almost 5 years (on Feb. 19th), that it has gotten easier. However, I am finding that is not really true. Perhaps in some ways I have just learned to deal with the grief and carry on my everyday life. But, those times when I sit alone and my mind has a chance to wander, it's all right there exactly where I left it!

I told myself when I started this blog site that I would not turn this into a blog about my grief, but my grief is part of who I am. This is a blog about me, my life, my family, therefore, I am not going to fight it anymore and strive to make this blog mostly positive. It is what it is and I usually feel better when I put things in writing. At the moment, this is the best venue for me to get things out. I started an online journal after Mom died in 2006. I wrote in it off and on as I do here, but it was mostly negative and about what I was going through. I look back at it sometimes and do realize that in many ways I have improved.

I did some stupid, crazy things after Mom died. I was self-destructing slowly and I allowed it to happen until I finally hit rock bottom. Nobody could help me and I didn't really want the help. Thank God I have a husband that truly loves me with everything in him, because most men would never have stuck by me after some of the stupid stuff I did. So grateful for Pat and his unconditional, undying love! He is my rock!

Almost 5 years later, I am at least glad that I have learned better ways to deal with my grief. Oh, it's still there and it's still strong, but I am a changed person. I am realizing that after the loss of my Mom, I will never be the same person I used to be when she was here. I am forever changed by the death of the most important woman in my life: My mom, my best friend, my hero!

A few years after Mom passed, Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Today, he is doing pretty well. But my fear of losing him is so high, that at times it is probably over the top. Something in me just feels as if I will also lose him way before I should and to the same horrible disease that took my Mom when I was only 36 years old! My fear with Dad is that if it comes back, he won't even tell us and just let it take him. He has practically said that if it ever came back he would not bother with treatment again. I pray that is not how he really feels, but I know my Dad and chances are he is being completely honest about that. So I pray every day that his cancer stays in remission. I need him to be here as the girls go into their adult life. I need him to see them walk down the aisle on their wedding days.

Today, I spent some time with my Grandmom (Mom's mom). She will be 91 on February 2nd. I am amazed by her. She is such an awesome woman. She had 9 children (5 boys & 4 girls). She has already buried 4 of those children (3 girls & 1 boy). My Mom was the most recent of her children to die. I remember asking her sometime after Mom passed, how she got through it all. I mean, burying your children is just not the way it is supposed to be. Her response was faith & prayer. I sometimes wish I had her faith, but that is just something I will never have enough of.

It's this time of night when I am at my worst. Everyone else in the house has gone to bed. I, of course, have had insomnia practically my whole life and it has gotten so much worse since Mom's death. My mind never stops. Is there a shut off button somewhere that I am missing?? I so with there was! Tonight, I fight back the tears. The tears that come so often when nobody is watching. The tears that my family will never realize exist. Always strong for them, but inside, I am so weak! I am feeling physically & emotionally drained, as usual. I will head to bed, where I will lay and watch the clock for hours regardless of how tired I may feel. Someday, I hope to be able to go to bed and actually fall asleep easily. That will be a day worth celebrating!!

Good Night!

A New Year....

Happy New Year 2011.

Would like to say that one of my resolutions is to be better about posting here, but we all know that would be a joke for me. But, I will try. ha ha

My new year's resolutions this year..... Get on a better track financially. I want us to save more and stop spending so much on silly, unnecessary things. Once in awhile is fine, but we could be and should be saving so much more! Second resolution is to remove myself from toxic relationship or situations. They are no good and tend to only send me into a depression. I tend to worry too much about hurting other people's feelings, so even if the relationship isn't a good one for me, I stay for fear of hurting someone else. I can't keep doing that. What good is a one sided, toxic relationship anyway?!?

2010 ended badly with Ashley having a car accident a week before Christmas. Luckily though, she was not hurt and neither was anyone else. I do believe that Mom was riding with her that day. Thank you so much Mom for being Ashley's guardian Angel!! It's expected since Ashley is your clone! :)

Now to work on getting her a new car. It's her senior year and I hate that she is now without her own vehicle. Not to mention the fact that she is a very ambitious young woman and not only goes to school, but is now working 2 jobs!! Lots of places for her to be. Hope we can find her something reasonable soon!

Oh well, that is all for now. Hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year for all. Ashley will graduate high school in June & Britney will finish her first year of cosmetology school. Hoping for good things for both of them. Our 5th grandbaby is coming in April and this will be our first girl. So, lots of good to look for in 2011 so far!! :)