So much.....

There is so much going on at the moment! Not sure I even know where to start. Hmmm, when is the last time I posted?

Anyway, came home from NC a few weeks ago to find out my dad was in an accident on the day we were driving home. Got that news 3 hours from NJ! Ugh!! Luckily, it was very minor. Turns out he passed out behind the wheel. He wasn't really hurt, but did end up at the hospital, thankfully. They did all kinds of tests on him and found out it was heart related. He had some blockages. They took care of them and also put a pacemaker in. So, on top of just finishing up cancer treatments, he has heart problems!! Ugh!!! Luckily, he is doing well now.

Band camp was the last two weeks, so Britney has been very busy. I took a lot of pictures of it all. Can't believe it was her last band camp ever! I really do have a senior now. It has hit me. They start school on September 14th. A week late due to work being done in the elementary schools. They took away all of our one day Monday holidays basically so we are still supposed to get out on time in June. That is unless we get some dreaded snow days. Let's hope not!!

I got a new puppy the other day. I know, I know... like I needed another dog. I just couldn't resist. She is my early birthday present! LOL She is a Havanese. I also joined the breeding program for the lady I get my dogs from. Should be an interesting and fun adventure! Anyway, the puppies name is Zoey.

I am very sad! My childhood best friend Nancy is in the hospital. She is 23 weeks pregnant with triplets. The first baby was just born! :( They are hoping the other two hold out at least another week or so, but it's not looking good. The first baby is in the NICU now.

Nancy just lost a baby last year. Nancy has had to go through invitro to even get pregnant. She had her first son 7 years ago and had been trying for the last 4 years or so again to get pregnant. Last year she lost her little girl in utero after carrying her for almost 6 months. :( Now this! I am hoping that the babies and Nancy are all ok in the end!!

An unusually cool evening

It is absolutely beautiful out tonight. August 6th and it's in the 60's tonight. Loving it. I turned the air off and opened the windows. Even lit some yummy smelling candles! Just a perfect night it seems.

I can't believe it is already August though. Kids will be back in school before we even know it. I have a senior now! That will take some serious getting used to! Before long we will all be moving on to the next phase of life.

We are heading to NC this weekend to see Tony, Jen & Gian! It will be nice to see them again. Can't wait to kiss Gian's sweet little face!! Love my grandson! :)

We are seriously considering buying a house in NC sooner rather than later. We really want to retire there and with the house prices so low at the moment, now would be the idea time to purchase one. We do plan to look while there. I have found several that I like a lot! We shall see! :)

I have been slacking on my reading. Hoping to get back into it very soon. Probably when school starts again for the girls. Working on The Vampire Diaries book 3 at the moment. But, I have been working on that for months. LOL I'm so far behind. I haven't spent any time in my craft room either in forever. I guess I got bored with what I was doing. LOL

Having dinner & cake for Dad's birthday tomorrow night. His birthday is next week on the 11th, but we will be in NC that day, so doing it tomorrow. Dad is doing ok for the most part. He has chemo in his body still and will for another year or so for preventative reasons, so he still has days where he isn't feeling the greatest.

Well, off for now. Who knows when I'll post again since obviously I don't do it regularly. Hopefully soon though!

Summer flying....

Summer is flying by it seems!! Can't believe it's almost August. I haven't written here in so long. Guess life has just been too hectic.

Good news... Dad is in remission! Looks like for now, he has beat his cancer. What a relief that was!! It was like such a weight has been lifted!!

Britney is back in band already. Can not believe she is now starting her senior year activities! Ashley has been working a lot this summer. She sure likes the money anyway. LOL

Britney's big pageant was this past weekend. She did very well and we are very proud of her. She placed in and won some categories! She didn't win the title, but it seems that this is the type of pageant that you need to do several times before it's your "turn" to win! Not sure we would do it again, but it was an experience and Brit met some nice people!

We are heading to NC in a couple of weeks to visit Tony, Jen & Gian! They are buying a house and will be in it by then. Can't wait to see their new house. It sounds wonderful. I am very proud of them and all they are accomplishing. Gian is growing into a wonderful little boy!! :)

Looks like we are about to get storms, so I guess it is best to get off of here now. Just figured it was time for an update. :)

Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.....

It has been a very rough few weeks here. Pat's father passed away on March 18th. Funeral was held March 23rd. My Aunt Carol passed away on March 24th, funeral was on the 28th. All of this after my dad's news of his cancer! I didn't think things could get worse after his reveal, but we had a couple of weeks after that proving that it was possible for things to take a nose dive even more.

Fog has cleared a bit now and good news came with the lifting of the fog. Dad's cancer is not in his bones. So, not as bad as originally thought. Still cancer, yes, but doctor feels it can be beat and Dad plans to beat it. So, for now, I will remain optimistic! :)

Gian's christening and first birthday bash was on the 29th. Was a looooooong day, but fun. He is such a wonderful little boy. I am so glad they were able to come back to NJ to celebrate with everyone! Miss them!

Now trying to get back into the swing of "normal" life. (whatever normal is). Britney has a lot of performance things coming up so she needs to pick and start working on songs. Big pageant this summer, so we are working on getting ready for that too now. Could use some sponsorship for that one, but the way the economy is, I feel bad asking anyone to contribute. Sigh... Oh well, we will figure it out.

Guess that's it from me for now. Dad is coming over for dinner (early) and then Ashley has to go to work.

Completely losing it!!!!

Well, it's official... I'm completely losing it. I can not get myself together anymore. A total breakdown is on the horizon and I can feel myself sinking so fast in a black sea. Treading, but tiring fast.

Dad told us on Saturday that he has cancer. I am devastated. He said it's bad and really not looking good at all! He has known for 3 months, but wanted to spare us all because of us just watching Mom die 3 years ago of cancer. He had to finally tell us as it's worse than he had thought and hoped. It has spread quickly and is beyond surgery already. He is being put on some drug for it and being set up for radiation at this point. He will go for a bone scan and CAT scan on Monday, the 23rd. If it shows up in his bones, as the doctor believes it is, it is basically it for him. Will be a waiting for him to die game then and that's it!

I just can't deal with this again. I am such a mess right now. I am holding it together for everyone's sake on the outside, but inside I am dying already! I have never recovered from losing Mom and I know I will not recover if I lose Dad this soon now! Mom was only 59 when she left us and Dad is only 63 now!!!!!! Why is this happening? What did I do in my life that warrants so much pain???? Someone told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, if this is true he overestimates my abilities to handle things!! I had a nervous breakdown after Mom died. How am I supposed to go on if I lose Dad now??????? I am so angry, hurt, numb, etc... I will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!

I got so mad today after hearing someone say how hard it must be on my youngest brother since he is the baby..... What???? Of course it is hard on him, it's hard on my older brother and it's hard on me!! Nobody has a damn clue what losing Mom did to me. I always did my best to stay strong for everyone else, but behind closed doors I was and am still a mess. I suffer from depression which I have fought my entire life but after Mom died, it spiralled out of control forcing me to lose my mind and do things I would have never done under normal circumstances! Nobody has a damn clue or care!!!! I'm so scared for what may come if I lose Dad. It's hard enough holding it together just knowing what he is going through now, but if it comes to losing him I know I won't be able to do it!!!! I can see myself being admitted to a mental ward! I know if I sink this time, I will drown for sure! How am I supposed to do this????

February sucks!!!

I have not wanted to post on here in awhile. Heck, I haven't even wanted to talk to anyone in awhile.

The anniversary of Mom's death is two short days away. 3 years! Hard to believe it has been that long when it still stings as if it were yesterday. I'm still sooooo angry. I find myself wanting to scream, cuss, cry, punch, etc..... It's just not fair.

As usual, I do my best to not show these things so as to not "bother" anyone else with my sadness. I have been really angry lately over some things. Like over the fact that friends seem to have disappeared over the last 3 years. Hell, am I that bad that people can't even seem to stand being my friend any longer? Maybe I am, but many disappeared the day of the funeral and never even gave me a chance afterwards. Others have pulled away as time has gone on. Others claim to be my friend but are very one sided and love to talk all about their problems, their lives, etc.. and then conveniently have no more time when it's my turn. I guess that's normal for me though. I have always been the one to listen to everyone else and help them with problems while keeping mine to myself. Hell, I have been keeping my problems to myself since I was a kid. Why should that ever change? Of course I am not speaking of every friend, but truth be told, I don't share my sadness with ANY of them anymore over fear of chasing the few I may still have away. Yep, I'm better off being strong for them, listening to them, offering them advice and silently suffering. It's just easier, I suppose.

Anyway, I told myself that I would not turn this blog into a dreary, whining place which is why I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't had much to say that wasn't whiney. I decided to write today even if it is a bunch of whining because I need to get it out. I don't know any other way to get it out except in a post here. If you read my blog (not sure if anyone does or not) please feel free to skip this post if you want. Of course, maybe I should go back and put a disclaimer at the top of the post since if you read this far you already read plenty of whining.

So, some good things...... The girls did better on their report cards this past marking period. I was much happier about that and hope they continue to improve.
Britney isn't doing the school musical this year and so far hasn't found any other one to do as she said she was planning to. I admit that it's killing me. I long to see her on stage and it has been a very long time. Before long she won't even be a kid in school any longer and these times will be long gone. I wish she would see that and do something besides working! Ugh!!!
Ashley didn't do basketball either and I admit I even missed that this year. Same with her, wish she were doing something, anything.... Sigh......

I stopped biting my nails. Not by choice, but because all of a sudden one day I woke up and just couldn't do it anymore?!? I don't know why, all I know is that I can't do it. Now my nails are pretty long and I hate it. Sure they look pretty, but they get in my way. Typing is a pain and so it just about everything I do. Who the heck decided that women should have long fingernails?!?

So, I have been dieting since January. I have lost somewhere around 17 pounds I guess. It's a very long process and one that I admit I hate. I hate exercise and I hate not eating what I want, when I want it. I was never a huge eater anyway, so my weight gain over the years has just been due to eating wrong times, wrong things and probably not even eating enough. I used to pretty much only eat dinners. Now I force myself to eat all of the time and good things. But, the process is slow and frustrating and I hate it! I think I would rather be fat & happy.

We booked our first cruise. It is in July. Pretty excited about that, although of course after doing it I have come up with much better uses for all of that money. LOL Isn't that always the way?!?

Well, I guess that's enough for now. Probably have tons more I could put down here but the migraine's I keep getting make it hard to type for long periods of time which sucks since I have so much I would like to be typing (like more in my novel, poetry, etc....). Oh well, life goes on, right?!? Well for some it does anyway. :(

Just things....

Well, the diet is still going. Total loss so far of just under 15 pounds. I'm happy about that, but still wish it were more and faster. I know, I know... slow is best. LOL

Britney started her new job last week. Not sure yet how this one will work out. I'll admit to not being too happy about it being 20 minutes away when she could be working in town (5 minutes away). Oh well, guess all I can do is wait and see how it goes.

Ashley is on the job hunt now that she is 16. Unfortunately, not many places are hiring these days. The economy sucks and it's being felt all over.

Some exciting stuff..... we are going on a cruise. It will be our first ever and I pray that we like it. We will be going in July. If we like it, hopefully we will do it more often and next time go for a longer one too.

I'm finding that I have little patience these days for some reason. Maybe it's the diet, I don't know. I just know that even the little things are bothering me. Maybe it's the anniversary of Mom's death coming up too?!? Maybe it's that everything seems to be changing so quickly these days?!? I don't know, but it's definitely something going on with me. Ugh!!!

First of 2009

Well, it's a new year and I hadn't posted anything yet, so figured it was time. Not that there is much to post about. LOL

The New Year started out pretty good. I can't complain. Hoping for a great 2009. Pat and I are back on a diet. Of course we do this every January, so we shall see how it goes. LOL I've been doing some treadmill work too. It's exhausting. I hate exercise, I admit it. LOL

Girls went back to school on Monday. I was sorry to see the break end. I enjoy their time off and the sleeping in a bit. Oh well, not long till summer is here, right? LOL

The girls and I did a lot of talking over the break about their futures. I think Ashley still isn't sure completely what she wants but she said she wants to learn cosmetology or possibly fashion/design. She is applying to votech for the 1/2 day program for her junior and senior year. If she gets in, she will take one of those two things and attend votech for 1/2 a day and her high school for 1/2 a day. I think it's a good move for her. Britney also shocked me a bit, although I do see it with her. She wants to study cosmetology for sure. She loves hair and make up. She loves doing everyone else's and is pretty good at it already. She figures if she studies that, she can use it in the theatre field as well. She can perform and also be a hair and make up person. LOL She is 100% sure of her choice and already discussed it with JD and everything. I support the girls' decisions completely. I just want them to do something and be sure of what they want. Brit is going to try to do votech her senior year for the 1/2 day and finish up the year after. If she can't get in because she should have applied for junior year, she will do two years of cosmetology after she graduates next year, as two years of college. We shall see!

Jen & Gian are up from NC for a couple of weeks. They came up last weekend. We had Gian Saturday night by ourselves. He is such a good baby. He slept for 10 1/2 hours overnight. Unbelievable. LOL I did forget how exhausting an infant can be, even a very good one. LOL Now that he is mobile, he just wants to go and go and go. LOL I wish we had a more baby proof house now. Stairs are not a good thing. Can't wait till Pat retires and we move. We are definitely buying a rancher this time. One floor is much better for grandkids. LOL

Well, I guess that is about it at the moment. I just wanted to post since I hadn't done that yet for 2009! Time sure is flying!!