Winter sucks!

I am so sick of winter. Bad enough that winter tends to bring on the "winter blues", but the past two winters have been horrible when it comes to the weather. Another storm coming in tomorrow. Seems that we are getting a storm every week and winter is not even close to being over! Ugh!!

Tomorrow is the first day of February. Countdown is on to the 5th anniversary of Mom's death. It sucks! So much died with Mom... hopes, dreams, plans, etc.... Yes, I have picked up and moved forward but I can't help but be sad at times. Oh well, "this too, shall pass". I just keep telling myself that.

Will write more later. Distractions at the moment. Sigh.... Seems there is always some kind of distraction these days.

Laughter is the best medicine!

Last night we had our January "drop-in" for Tapestries of Hope. Tapestries of Hope is a group I now belong to. It is all women who have lost their Moms. When I first got involved back in September, I wasn't sure how I would like it. I had tried Gilda's club about a year and a half after losing Mom and it honestly did nothing for me. I find Tapestries to be quite refreshing as every single woman there knows exactly what it feels like to lose their Mother! It was a wonderful gathering full of food, stories & laughter. Laughter is definitely the best medicine! I do find that I still do not share much, but even listening to others stories helps. Not sure why I don't share that often. Guess I have just always been a pretty closed up, private person. Right or wrong, it is all I know.

The discussion last night turned to what the hardest times seem to be for most of the women. From birthday to holidays to the anniversary of their Mom's deaths. While I do have moments in each of those things, I find my toughest times to be the milestones that involve my girls. Sometimes even just the normal things with my girls, like when Britney has a performance. When she is up on stage, along with my pride for her, I always miss Mom so terribly. Mom loved Britney's singing and it makes me sad that she did not get to see it past Britney young teens. She hasn't been here to see the development of her voice into a woman's voice and how beautiful her singing became over the years. :(

Then there are the milestones.... Ashley's 18th birthday in December was one of those. I remember the awful sadness that came over me that day and I wasn't even sure why I was feeling it. It was supposed to be a happy day. We had a big party for her and I remember at points during it I found myself just sitting there staring off into space. Mom missed Ashley becoming a woman and it makes me angry. Britney's graduation last year was tough and I have a feeling that Ashley's graduation this June is going to be even worse since she is the baby of the family! I want Mom there so badly! Mom was the girls' biggest fan, biggest supporter, biggest everything. I miss that for them. Mom would be the proudest person sitting in the stands when Ashley gets her diploma. It really sucks that she is not here!!!

The 5th anniversary of Mom's passing is coming up on February 19th. I keep thinking that after 5 years, it should be easier. This should all be easier, but sometimes it just isn't. While I do function normally day to day, there is always that empty spot. Do I spend my days crying? Of course not, although I do have plenty of times where the tears come easily. I just feel as if I walk around every single day still feeling so heavy in the chest. That weight is still there, crushing me and making it hard to breathe! But, I am determined to keep breathing!!

Thank you to my "Angel Sisters" for the wonderful evening last night. Laughter truly is the best medicine and I do appreciate each and every one of you for bringing some of that to my life! :)

Reminding Myself to Breathe!

Is it bad when sometimes I find myself actually reminding myself to breathe?!?

Some days it just seems that I can't catch my breath. It's as if a big weight has been placed on my chest and I just can't get it off. It's a combination of stress & grief, I suppose.

I miss my Mom! I would like to say that after almost 5 years (on Feb. 19th), that it has gotten easier. However, I am finding that is not really true. Perhaps in some ways I have just learned to deal with the grief and carry on my everyday life. But, those times when I sit alone and my mind has a chance to wander, it's all right there exactly where I left it!

I told myself when I started this blog site that I would not turn this into a blog about my grief, but my grief is part of who I am. This is a blog about me, my life, my family, therefore, I am not going to fight it anymore and strive to make this blog mostly positive. It is what it is and I usually feel better when I put things in writing. At the moment, this is the best venue for me to get things out. I started an online journal after Mom died in 2006. I wrote in it off and on as I do here, but it was mostly negative and about what I was going through. I look back at it sometimes and do realize that in many ways I have improved.

I did some stupid, crazy things after Mom died. I was self-destructing slowly and I allowed it to happen until I finally hit rock bottom. Nobody could help me and I didn't really want the help. Thank God I have a husband that truly loves me with everything in him, because most men would never have stuck by me after some of the stupid stuff I did. So grateful for Pat and his unconditional, undying love! He is my rock!

Almost 5 years later, I am at least glad that I have learned better ways to deal with my grief. Oh, it's still there and it's still strong, but I am a changed person. I am realizing that after the loss of my Mom, I will never be the same person I used to be when she was here. I am forever changed by the death of the most important woman in my life: My mom, my best friend, my hero!

A few years after Mom passed, Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Today, he is doing pretty well. But my fear of losing him is so high, that at times it is probably over the top. Something in me just feels as if I will also lose him way before I should and to the same horrible disease that took my Mom when I was only 36 years old! My fear with Dad is that if it comes back, he won't even tell us and just let it take him. He has practically said that if it ever came back he would not bother with treatment again. I pray that is not how he really feels, but I know my Dad and chances are he is being completely honest about that. So I pray every day that his cancer stays in remission. I need him to be here as the girls go into their adult life. I need him to see them walk down the aisle on their wedding days.

Today, I spent some time with my Grandmom (Mom's mom). She will be 91 on February 2nd. I am amazed by her. She is such an awesome woman. She had 9 children (5 boys & 4 girls). She has already buried 4 of those children (3 girls & 1 boy). My Mom was the most recent of her children to die. I remember asking her sometime after Mom passed, how she got through it all. I mean, burying your children is just not the way it is supposed to be. Her response was faith & prayer. I sometimes wish I had her faith, but that is just something I will never have enough of.

It's this time of night when I am at my worst. Everyone else in the house has gone to bed. I, of course, have had insomnia practically my whole life and it has gotten so much worse since Mom's death. My mind never stops. Is there a shut off button somewhere that I am missing?? I so with there was! Tonight, I fight back the tears. The tears that come so often when nobody is watching. The tears that my family will never realize exist. Always strong for them, but inside, I am so weak! I am feeling physically & emotionally drained, as usual. I will head to bed, where I will lay and watch the clock for hours regardless of how tired I may feel. Someday, I hope to be able to go to bed and actually fall asleep easily. That will be a day worth celebrating!!

Good Night!

A New Year....

Happy New Year 2011.

Would like to say that one of my resolutions is to be better about posting here, but we all know that would be a joke for me. But, I will try. ha ha

My new year's resolutions this year..... Get on a better track financially. I want us to save more and stop spending so much on silly, unnecessary things. Once in awhile is fine, but we could be and should be saving so much more! Second resolution is to remove myself from toxic relationship or situations. They are no good and tend to only send me into a depression. I tend to worry too much about hurting other people's feelings, so even if the relationship isn't a good one for me, I stay for fear of hurting someone else. I can't keep doing that. What good is a one sided, toxic relationship anyway?!?

2010 ended badly with Ashley having a car accident a week before Christmas. Luckily though, she was not hurt and neither was anyone else. I do believe that Mom was riding with her that day. Thank you so much Mom for being Ashley's guardian Angel!! It's expected since Ashley is your clone! :)

Now to work on getting her a new car. It's her senior year and I hate that she is now without her own vehicle. Not to mention the fact that she is a very ambitious young woman and not only goes to school, but is now working 2 jobs!! Lots of places for her to be. Hope we can find her something reasonable soon!

Oh well, that is all for now. Hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year for all. Ashley will graduate high school in June & Britney will finish her first year of cosmetology school. Hoping for good things for both of them. Our 5th grandbaby is coming in April and this will be our first girl. So, lots of good to look for in 2011 so far!! :)