Completely losing it!!!!

Well, it's official... I'm completely losing it. I can not get myself together anymore. A total breakdown is on the horizon and I can feel myself sinking so fast in a black sea. Treading, but tiring fast.

Dad told us on Saturday that he has cancer. I am devastated. He said it's bad and really not looking good at all! He has known for 3 months, but wanted to spare us all because of us just watching Mom die 3 years ago of cancer. He had to finally tell us as it's worse than he had thought and hoped. It has spread quickly and is beyond surgery already. He is being put on some drug for it and being set up for radiation at this point. He will go for a bone scan and CAT scan on Monday, the 23rd. If it shows up in his bones, as the doctor believes it is, it is basically it for him. Will be a waiting for him to die game then and that's it!

I just can't deal with this again. I am such a mess right now. I am holding it together for everyone's sake on the outside, but inside I am dying already! I have never recovered from losing Mom and I know I will not recover if I lose Dad this soon now! Mom was only 59 when she left us and Dad is only 63 now!!!!!! Why is this happening? What did I do in my life that warrants so much pain???? Someone told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, if this is true he overestimates my abilities to handle things!! I had a nervous breakdown after Mom died. How am I supposed to go on if I lose Dad now??????? I am so angry, hurt, numb, etc... I will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!

I got so mad today after hearing someone say how hard it must be on my youngest brother since he is the baby..... What???? Of course it is hard on him, it's hard on my older brother and it's hard on me!! Nobody has a damn clue what losing Mom did to me. I always did my best to stay strong for everyone else, but behind closed doors I was and am still a mess. I suffer from depression which I have fought my entire life but after Mom died, it spiralled out of control forcing me to lose my mind and do things I would have never done under normal circumstances! Nobody has a damn clue or care!!!! I'm so scared for what may come if I lose Dad. It's hard enough holding it together just knowing what he is going through now, but if it comes to losing him I know I won't be able to do it!!!! I can see myself being admitted to a mental ward! I know if I sink this time, I will drown for sure! How am I supposed to do this????