It has been a very rough few weeks here. Pat's father passed away on March 18th. Funeral was held March 23rd. My Aunt Carol passed away on March 24th, funeral was on the 28th. All of this after my dad's news of his cancer! I didn't think things could get worse after his reveal, but we had a couple of weeks after that proving that it was possible for things to take a nose dive even more.
Fog has cleared a bit now and good news came with the lifting of the fog. Dad's cancer is not in his bones. So, not as bad as originally thought. Still cancer, yes, but doctor feels it can be beat and Dad plans to beat it. So, for now, I will remain optimistic! :)
Gian's christening and first birthday bash was on the 29th. Was a looooooong day, but fun. He is such a wonderful little boy. I am so glad they were able to come back to NJ to celebrate with everyone! Miss them!
Now trying to get back into the swing of "normal" life. (whatever normal is). Britney has a lot of performance things coming up so she needs to pick and start working on songs. Big pageant this summer, so we are working on getting ready for that too now. Could use some sponsorship for that one, but the way the economy is, I feel bad asking anyone to contribute. Sigh... Oh well, we will figure it out.
Guess that's it from me for now. Dad is coming over for dinner (early) and then Ashley has to go to work.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Completely losing it!!!!
Well, it's official... I'm completely losing it. I can not get myself together anymore. A total breakdown is on the horizon and I can feel myself sinking so fast in a black sea. Treading, but tiring fast.
Dad told us on Saturday that he has cancer. I am devastated. He said it's bad and really not looking good at all! He has known for 3 months, but wanted to spare us all because of us just watching Mom die 3 years ago of cancer. He had to finally tell us as it's worse than he had thought and hoped. It has spread quickly and is beyond surgery already. He is being put on some drug for it and being set up for radiation at this point. He will go for a bone scan and CAT scan on Monday, the 23rd. If it shows up in his bones, as the doctor believes it is, it is basically it for him. Will be a waiting for him to die game then and that's it!
I just can't deal with this again. I am such a mess right now. I am holding it together for everyone's sake on the outside, but inside I am dying already! I have never recovered from losing Mom and I know I will not recover if I lose Dad this soon now! Mom was only 59 when she left us and Dad is only 63 now!!!!!! Why is this happening? What did I do in my life that warrants so much pain???? Someone told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, if this is true he overestimates my abilities to handle things!! I had a nervous breakdown after Mom died. How am I supposed to go on if I lose Dad now??????? I am so angry, hurt, numb, etc... I will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!
I got so mad today after hearing someone say how hard it must be on my youngest brother since he is the baby..... What???? Of course it is hard on him, it's hard on my older brother and it's hard on me!! Nobody has a damn clue what losing Mom did to me. I always did my best to stay strong for everyone else, but behind closed doors I was and am still a mess. I suffer from depression which I have fought my entire life but after Mom died, it spiralled out of control forcing me to lose my mind and do things I would have never done under normal circumstances! Nobody has a damn clue or care!!!! I'm so scared for what may come if I lose Dad. It's hard enough holding it together just knowing what he is going through now, but if it comes to losing him I know I won't be able to do it!!!! I can see myself being admitted to a mental ward! I know if I sink this time, I will drown for sure! How am I supposed to do this????
Dad told us on Saturday that he has cancer. I am devastated. He said it's bad and really not looking good at all! He has known for 3 months, but wanted to spare us all because of us just watching Mom die 3 years ago of cancer. He had to finally tell us as it's worse than he had thought and hoped. It has spread quickly and is beyond surgery already. He is being put on some drug for it and being set up for radiation at this point. He will go for a bone scan and CAT scan on Monday, the 23rd. If it shows up in his bones, as the doctor believes it is, it is basically it for him. Will be a waiting for him to die game then and that's it!
I just can't deal with this again. I am such a mess right now. I am holding it together for everyone's sake on the outside, but inside I am dying already! I have never recovered from losing Mom and I know I will not recover if I lose Dad this soon now! Mom was only 59 when she left us and Dad is only 63 now!!!!!! Why is this happening? What did I do in my life that warrants so much pain???? Someone told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, if this is true he overestimates my abilities to handle things!! I had a nervous breakdown after Mom died. How am I supposed to go on if I lose Dad now??????? I am so angry, hurt, numb, etc... I will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!
I got so mad today after hearing someone say how hard it must be on my youngest brother since he is the baby..... What???? Of course it is hard on him, it's hard on my older brother and it's hard on me!! Nobody has a damn clue what losing Mom did to me. I always did my best to stay strong for everyone else, but behind closed doors I was and am still a mess. I suffer from depression which I have fought my entire life but after Mom died, it spiralled out of control forcing me to lose my mind and do things I would have never done under normal circumstances! Nobody has a damn clue or care!!!! I'm so scared for what may come if I lose Dad. It's hard enough holding it together just knowing what he is going through now, but if it comes to losing him I know I won't be able to do it!!!! I can see myself being admitted to a mental ward! I know if I sink this time, I will drown for sure! How am I supposed to do this????
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
February sucks!!!
I have not wanted to post on here in awhile. Heck, I haven't even wanted to talk to anyone in awhile.
The anniversary of Mom's death is two short days away. 3 years! Hard to believe it has been that long when it still stings as if it were yesterday. I'm still sooooo angry. I find myself wanting to scream, cuss, cry, punch, etc..... It's just not fair.
As usual, I do my best to not show these things so as to not "bother" anyone else with my sadness. I have been really angry lately over some things. Like over the fact that friends seem to have disappeared over the last 3 years. Hell, am I that bad that people can't even seem to stand being my friend any longer? Maybe I am, but many disappeared the day of the funeral and never even gave me a chance afterwards. Others have pulled away as time has gone on. Others claim to be my friend but are very one sided and love to talk all about their problems, their lives, etc.. and then conveniently have no more time when it's my turn. I guess that's normal for me though. I have always been the one to listen to everyone else and help them with problems while keeping mine to myself. Hell, I have been keeping my problems to myself since I was a kid. Why should that ever change? Of course I am not speaking of every friend, but truth be told, I don't share my sadness with ANY of them anymore over fear of chasing the few I may still have away. Yep, I'm better off being strong for them, listening to them, offering them advice and silently suffering. It's just easier, I suppose.
Anyway, I told myself that I would not turn this blog into a dreary, whining place which is why I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't had much to say that wasn't whiney. I decided to write today even if it is a bunch of whining because I need to get it out. I don't know any other way to get it out except in a post here. If you read my blog (not sure if anyone does or not) please feel free to skip this post if you want. Of course, maybe I should go back and put a disclaimer at the top of the post since if you read this far you already read plenty of whining.
So, some good things...... The girls did better on their report cards this past marking period. I was much happier about that and hope they continue to improve.
Britney isn't doing the school musical this year and so far hasn't found any other one to do as she said she was planning to. I admit that it's killing me. I long to see her on stage and it has been a very long time. Before long she won't even be a kid in school any longer and these times will be long gone. I wish she would see that and do something besides working! Ugh!!!
Ashley didn't do basketball either and I admit I even missed that this year. Same with her, wish she were doing something, anything.... Sigh......
I stopped biting my nails. Not by choice, but because all of a sudden one day I woke up and just couldn't do it anymore?!? I don't know why, all I know is that I can't do it. Now my nails are pretty long and I hate it. Sure they look pretty, but they get in my way. Typing is a pain and so it just about everything I do. Who the heck decided that women should have long fingernails?!?
So, I have been dieting since January. I have lost somewhere around 17 pounds I guess. It's a very long process and one that I admit I hate. I hate exercise and I hate not eating what I want, when I want it. I was never a huge eater anyway, so my weight gain over the years has just been due to eating wrong times, wrong things and probably not even eating enough. I used to pretty much only eat dinners. Now I force myself to eat all of the time and good things. But, the process is slow and frustrating and I hate it! I think I would rather be fat & happy.
We booked our first cruise. It is in July. Pretty excited about that, although of course after doing it I have come up with much better uses for all of that money. LOL Isn't that always the way?!?
Well, I guess that's enough for now. Probably have tons more I could put down here but the migraine's I keep getting make it hard to type for long periods of time which sucks since I have so much I would like to be typing (like more in my novel, poetry, etc....). Oh well, life goes on, right?!? Well for some it does anyway. :(
The anniversary of Mom's death is two short days away. 3 years! Hard to believe it has been that long when it still stings as if it were yesterday. I'm still sooooo angry. I find myself wanting to scream, cuss, cry, punch, etc..... It's just not fair.
As usual, I do my best to not show these things so as to not "bother" anyone else with my sadness. I have been really angry lately over some things. Like over the fact that friends seem to have disappeared over the last 3 years. Hell, am I that bad that people can't even seem to stand being my friend any longer? Maybe I am, but many disappeared the day of the funeral and never even gave me a chance afterwards. Others have pulled away as time has gone on. Others claim to be my friend but are very one sided and love to talk all about their problems, their lives, etc.. and then conveniently have no more time when it's my turn. I guess that's normal for me though. I have always been the one to listen to everyone else and help them with problems while keeping mine to myself. Hell, I have been keeping my problems to myself since I was a kid. Why should that ever change? Of course I am not speaking of every friend, but truth be told, I don't share my sadness with ANY of them anymore over fear of chasing the few I may still have away. Yep, I'm better off being strong for them, listening to them, offering them advice and silently suffering. It's just easier, I suppose.
Anyway, I told myself that I would not turn this blog into a dreary, whining place which is why I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't had much to say that wasn't whiney. I decided to write today even if it is a bunch of whining because I need to get it out. I don't know any other way to get it out except in a post here. If you read my blog (not sure if anyone does or not) please feel free to skip this post if you want. Of course, maybe I should go back and put a disclaimer at the top of the post since if you read this far you already read plenty of whining.
So, some good things...... The girls did better on their report cards this past marking period. I was much happier about that and hope they continue to improve.
Britney isn't doing the school musical this year and so far hasn't found any other one to do as she said she was planning to. I admit that it's killing me. I long to see her on stage and it has been a very long time. Before long she won't even be a kid in school any longer and these times will be long gone. I wish she would see that and do something besides working! Ugh!!!
Ashley didn't do basketball either and I admit I even missed that this year. Same with her, wish she were doing something, anything.... Sigh......
I stopped biting my nails. Not by choice, but because all of a sudden one day I woke up and just couldn't do it anymore?!? I don't know why, all I know is that I can't do it. Now my nails are pretty long and I hate it. Sure they look pretty, but they get in my way. Typing is a pain and so it just about everything I do. Who the heck decided that women should have long fingernails?!?
So, I have been dieting since January. I have lost somewhere around 17 pounds I guess. It's a very long process and one that I admit I hate. I hate exercise and I hate not eating what I want, when I want it. I was never a huge eater anyway, so my weight gain over the years has just been due to eating wrong times, wrong things and probably not even eating enough. I used to pretty much only eat dinners. Now I force myself to eat all of the time and good things. But, the process is slow and frustrating and I hate it! I think I would rather be fat & happy.
We booked our first cruise. It is in July. Pretty excited about that, although of course after doing it I have come up with much better uses for all of that money. LOL Isn't that always the way?!?
Well, I guess that's enough for now. Probably have tons more I could put down here but the migraine's I keep getting make it hard to type for long periods of time which sucks since I have so much I would like to be typing (like more in my novel, poetry, etc....). Oh well, life goes on, right?!? Well for some it does anyway. :(
Monday, January 26, 2009
Just things....
Well, the diet is still going. Total loss so far of just under 15 pounds. I'm happy about that, but still wish it were more and faster. I know, I know... slow is best. LOL
Britney started her new job last week. Not sure yet how this one will work out. I'll admit to not being too happy about it being 20 minutes away when she could be working in town (5 minutes away). Oh well, guess all I can do is wait and see how it goes.
Ashley is on the job hunt now that she is 16. Unfortunately, not many places are hiring these days. The economy sucks and it's being felt all over.
Some exciting stuff..... we are going on a cruise. It will be our first ever and I pray that we like it. We will be going in July. If we like it, hopefully we will do it more often and next time go for a longer one too.
I'm finding that I have little patience these days for some reason. Maybe it's the diet, I don't know. I just know that even the little things are bothering me. Maybe it's the anniversary of Mom's death coming up too?!? Maybe it's that everything seems to be changing so quickly these days?!? I don't know, but it's definitely something going on with me. Ugh!!!
Britney started her new job last week. Not sure yet how this one will work out. I'll admit to not being too happy about it being 20 minutes away when she could be working in town (5 minutes away). Oh well, guess all I can do is wait and see how it goes.
Ashley is on the job hunt now that she is 16. Unfortunately, not many places are hiring these days. The economy sucks and it's being felt all over.
Some exciting stuff..... we are going on a cruise. It will be our first ever and I pray that we like it. We will be going in July. If we like it, hopefully we will do it more often and next time go for a longer one too.
I'm finding that I have little patience these days for some reason. Maybe it's the diet, I don't know. I just know that even the little things are bothering me. Maybe it's the anniversary of Mom's death coming up too?!? Maybe it's that everything seems to be changing so quickly these days?!? I don't know, but it's definitely something going on with me. Ugh!!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
First of 2009
Well, it's a new year and I hadn't posted anything yet, so figured it was time. Not that there is much to post about. LOL
The New Year started out pretty good. I can't complain. Hoping for a great 2009. Pat and I are back on a diet. Of course we do this every January, so we shall see how it goes. LOL I've been doing some treadmill work too. It's exhausting. I hate exercise, I admit it. LOL
Girls went back to school on Monday. I was sorry to see the break end. I enjoy their time off and the sleeping in a bit. Oh well, not long till summer is here, right? LOL
The girls and I did a lot of talking over the break about their futures. I think Ashley still isn't sure completely what she wants but she said she wants to learn cosmetology or possibly fashion/design. She is applying to votech for the 1/2 day program for her junior and senior year. If she gets in, she will take one of those two things and attend votech for 1/2 a day and her high school for 1/2 a day. I think it's a good move for her. Britney also shocked me a bit, although I do see it with her. She wants to study cosmetology for sure. She loves hair and make up. She loves doing everyone else's and is pretty good at it already. She figures if she studies that, she can use it in the theatre field as well. She can perform and also be a hair and make up person. LOL She is 100% sure of her choice and already discussed it with JD and everything. I support the girls' decisions completely. I just want them to do something and be sure of what they want. Brit is going to try to do votech her senior year for the 1/2 day and finish up the year after. If she can't get in because she should have applied for junior year, she will do two years of cosmetology after she graduates next year, as two years of college. We shall see!
Jen & Gian are up from NC for a couple of weeks. They came up last weekend. We had Gian Saturday night by ourselves. He is such a good baby. He slept for 10 1/2 hours overnight. Unbelievable. LOL I did forget how exhausting an infant can be, even a very good one. LOL Now that he is mobile, he just wants to go and go and go. LOL I wish we had a more baby proof house now. Stairs are not a good thing. Can't wait till Pat retires and we move. We are definitely buying a rancher this time. One floor is much better for grandkids. LOL
Well, I guess that is about it at the moment. I just wanted to post since I hadn't done that yet for 2009! Time sure is flying!!
The New Year started out pretty good. I can't complain. Hoping for a great 2009. Pat and I are back on a diet. Of course we do this every January, so we shall see how it goes. LOL I've been doing some treadmill work too. It's exhausting. I hate exercise, I admit it. LOL
Girls went back to school on Monday. I was sorry to see the break end. I enjoy their time off and the sleeping in a bit. Oh well, not long till summer is here, right? LOL
The girls and I did a lot of talking over the break about their futures. I think Ashley still isn't sure completely what she wants but she said she wants to learn cosmetology or possibly fashion/design. She is applying to votech for the 1/2 day program for her junior and senior year. If she gets in, she will take one of those two things and attend votech for 1/2 a day and her high school for 1/2 a day. I think it's a good move for her. Britney also shocked me a bit, although I do see it with her. She wants to study cosmetology for sure. She loves hair and make up. She loves doing everyone else's and is pretty good at it already. She figures if she studies that, she can use it in the theatre field as well. She can perform and also be a hair and make up person. LOL She is 100% sure of her choice and already discussed it with JD and everything. I support the girls' decisions completely. I just want them to do something and be sure of what they want. Brit is going to try to do votech her senior year for the 1/2 day and finish up the year after. If she can't get in because she should have applied for junior year, she will do two years of cosmetology after she graduates next year, as two years of college. We shall see!
Jen & Gian are up from NC for a couple of weeks. They came up last weekend. We had Gian Saturday night by ourselves. He is such a good baby. He slept for 10 1/2 hours overnight. Unbelievable. LOL I did forget how exhausting an infant can be, even a very good one. LOL Now that he is mobile, he just wants to go and go and go. LOL I wish we had a more baby proof house now. Stairs are not a good thing. Can't wait till Pat retires and we move. We are definitely buying a rancher this time. One floor is much better for grandkids. LOL
Well, I guess that is about it at the moment. I just wanted to post since I hadn't done that yet for 2009! Time sure is flying!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
16 years ago today at 8:58am, my second daughter was born. We expected a boy since that pregnancy was so different than my first one a year earlier, but I was thrilled when the dr. said "It's a girl"! :) I got to the hospital at 8:12am and she was born at 8:58am after only two pushes.
Ashley has grown into such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud of her! :)
Ashley has grown into such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud of her! :)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas.... the day after
Isn't it amazing how you spend what seems like months to get ready for Christmas and then it's gone in a flash? That is how I'm feeling this year. Days of cooking for dinner to be eaten in 20 minutes time. Months of shopping for everything to be a memory already. Oh well, guess that's all normal.
Anyway, we had a good Christmas here. Everyone was at my house as usual. Everyone loved their gifts, especially Pat. This year, I got him a 1968 T-Bird for Christmas. He has wanted a classic car for so long now and I'm so glad that this year we were able to do it! :) He got me a new laptop. One of the best you can get on the market. I'm very happy with it. He got my old laptop, which was only about a year old to begin with. LOL We are giving his old computer to a friend. The girls had a good Christmas too. Broadway tickets were a big hit. :) After dinner, everyone played Rockband on the Wii which was a lot of fun!
Now we are busy getting ready for Ashley's Sweet 16 on Monday. It never seems to end. I am enjoying the sleeping in though. LOL
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